Transphobia is killing

Everyone is so hostile, they all see you as a joke, they think we're delusional, i hate being happy and seeing random posts that hate on us or just a fleeting mention and everyone in the comments is so rude and every comment has thousands of likes, i wish i could just ignore it and pretend it doesnt exist irl but every now and then something happens that reminds me we're not people to them

My heart aches and i dont know what to do, all my life ive had this hatred and frustration of people misunderstanding me, ive had this fear of being different and people making fun of me, and i got stuck with the Condition That Makes Everyone Hate You

I have no idea if im even trans, i constantly fantasize about being a cis guy, but im not and i never will be, what am i doing this for? My body will never be cis, would i be happy transtioning? How do i know if it's not just a fantasy?

I feel weird nowadays, i dont get dysphoria like i used to after i cut my hair, I'll have a moment where im not extremely aware that im playing pretend and im not myself even though i do have that feeling unconsciously, i start questioning if im actually trans, people say when you start passing dysphoria lessens but idk

I dont look at my body and cry in the mirror, i dont think im fully comprehending that this is my body and people say that can be disassociation but idk, i dont love my body, i get disgusted when i remember my boobs but ive forced myself to forget about it every time and i do, i hate seeing my hips in clothes, walking in the wind and looking down seeing my shirt hug my hips feels ew but i forget about it, it doesnt affect me like it affects others

I wish i was a cis guy, that should be proof im trans but I'll always be me, no matter how much i hate it, what i feel weird about is; since changing myself (in a masculine way) ive hated me less and less and less, so much less, so much so that i think transitioning is wrong because im okay with myself, it's not my ideal situation but what if it is? What if i just dont understand what the fuck am i?

I strayed away from my main topic but idk i just want advice or anything