*sighs in queer* Dear hormones. Please decide. Or don't. I give up! Also IRL crushes vs fictional character crushes confusion...

I just.... ooof. For most of this year, I have been FULL into women. Like, epiphany levels of "women are life. I want a gf." And they are and I still do 🙃 Esp since when I finally accepted myself properly as being into women, joined a dating app, it was like eureka. I could imagine myself with a woman in all the beautiful small ways that I have always struggled with when I was "crushing" on guys.

I say "crushing" because I would see a dude sometimes, get shy, think he was cute. But as soon as I even tried to imagine being with him in an actual relationship, with all that entails, brain went NOPE. Whereas suddenly with women, brain went YES PLEASE MORE OF THAT and I went totally soft and ridiculous for women.

Tmi but .... After my very necessary hysterectomy this year, my hormones went SORRY WAT DID U JUST DO!? For a few days after, it was like I was in literal heat for women. Swear to god, all I wanted was my face in any woman's crotch. Put me in a lesbian bar, and I would be a very willing seat. That level of YESPLSNOW is quite unlike me.

So it spins my head around this past week where, out the blue, I'm suddenly all about dudes.

I have quite specific tastes with men, (which is one of the reasons I questioned being into them in the first place.) Beards, body hair, and general gruff manliness just doesn't seem to do anything for me. And yet, this week, my hormones appear to have been compassing towards men. And dick. Specifically fictional dick. And women just....aren't featuring so heavily right now.

That's the other thing. I've always crushed on fictional dudes but far less on fictional women. Like, right now I could list quite a few fictional dudes I'm full on thirsting about. But IRL, the crushes that have felt more rounded and real and of substance have been on women.

And I don't understand.