I love my boyfriend. But I don't want to live off crumbs

We have been together for 4 years. We love each other deeply and that's the problem. I've been complacent. I've made excuses for him. "Oh, he is just nervous" "Oh, he is tired and stressed" I feel so tired. Of begging. Of thinking of different things we can do to fix this. Of being proactive about it. Of asking him "but what do you want?" And he is like "I don't know" And I have tried to experiment. Bought feathers and handcuffs. Lingerie. Flirted. I feel like for him to be aroused all the stars need to be aligned, and there can't be a single thing that is stressing him, and he can't be hungry or tired or sleep deprived. It sucks. This isn't nice. Or sexy. I want to feel alive, not to have to always wonder if he is enjoying it. Honestly, the first time I ever had sex, was way better than all these years. And then we talk, and then things get a little bit better and I think "Okay, this is gonna work now" And it does. For two weeks. And then it gets back to the same. I want so bad for us to fuck. To be angry at each other. I've never seen him lose himself. I've never been able to make him come. It really feels like sometimes he is there out of obligation. And sure, he has been using his mouth and his fingers. But I don't want to come alone. So yeah. I'll speak with him tomorrow. But no more compassion. I will give this one more try. Tell him to be aggressive with me. To show he wants me. To fight for us. Otherwise, I'm done. I want someone that wants me as much as I want them. Living like this is awful.

Thanks for listening guys 😊