What do I do

I'm in high school. I already want to die so I don't need to work. I also want to die (even more this year compared to past ones) because I was in a super abusive relationship last school year and I'm remembering it all now. Because of that relationship I also cut everyone off and they are still gone. I feel like he is still watching me all the time. I can't talk half of the time because he wouldnt allow me to, it took months to relearn how to have conversations. I feel disgusting all the time because he drugged and raped me, which has also made me feel disgusting for dating my current partner. Today I came home and saw a drink that I last had during that relationship and broke down and ended my month long no SH streak. I have attempted before, I miss the feeling of being so close to what I need. I really feel like it's over. Everybody gave up on me and I cant be near other people without wanting them/myself to die. I feel like a monster and I just want to be done, I have nothing to live for anyways. And to clarify I am medicated and in therapy. It's not doing shit. I've been suicidal for nearly a decade.