Need Advice, thank you

19 / M

Im not straight, this is my first time I’ve ever put that idea out into the world and not keep it in my mind. If you read this, thank you so much it means the world.

I’ve felt like this for like 7 or 6 years and have been coming to terms with it for the past 2 or 3 years, kind of in denial but know it’s the reality. I don’t look down upon it or anything, just hard to believe kinda. I know it’s how I actually feel, at first I thought it might’ve been a phase but I don’t really think it is now.

All of my friends are straight, get girls or always talk about girls, and I don’t. I’ve gone on a couple dates before and felt some connection with girls but not enough to pursue something further. When we talk about girls, I’m always quiet and not really being talked to so I always do question if my friends think I’m gay or not.

I’m a designer and go to fashion school, I wouldn’t say I have “gay energy” but I also wouldn’t know since nobody’s ever asked me anything or commented. I’ve had some gay people hit on me in school but I’m not interested in them, and my friends always point out that guys on the street stare at me and how weird it is. I have a masculine face and I feel and think nothing would give it away, but again I don’t know. The things I do, the way I talk, music I listen to, and dress would learn more towards straight, sorry if I offend I don’t mean to categorize anything, I just want to paint a picture for the reader of who I am.

I’m very much into older guys, so dating or hooking up sounds impossible to me. I just think to myself what guy my type would want me for an actual connection and not just sex, or even sex. I’m good looking, but I feel like I’m “too straight” or even too young. I live in NYC so I always see guys I like everyday, even relationships with older men and younger guys out walking and even though it’s something I would love, I don’t ever see myself doing, partially because of being seen like that by other and also by myself.

I’m a person who speaks my mind always and doesn’t care about what others say or think, but for me, my sexuality is the one thing that I think about everyday and how my closest friends would view me. I don’t know if they would understand that I’ve been the same person since they met me or if I would be treated or looked at differently after coming out, so I just keep it to myself.

I’m kind of losing a plot here and I’m just getting things off my chest, I randomly woke up and it’s 4AM and I want to reflect on myself and hear other people’s opinions on what you guys think and if someone’s had the same experience as me when they were younger. I just made this account so I can say this, thanks.