Over the weekend I used a throwaway account to post on a few detrans-type subreddits, looking for validation to stay in the closet. It felt wrong almost immediately, so I ended up [posting here instead](https://www.reddit.com/r/TransLater/comments/1nxz4qd/im_46_married_with_kids_and_have_struggled_for_2/) about my confusion over whether to come out or keep hiding to preserve the life I’ve built. I hadn’t planned to post here, but I’m glad I did.

In that post I mentioned that I went on HRT for a little over 10 weeks to see if it made a difference, and several people reached out asking about the experience. Revisiting my HRT journal has been hard, but it feels important to share what I learned. I’m still trying to sort through all of this, so I welcome any thoughts or observations from the r/TransLater community.

# Why did I decide to start HRT?

This was not something I decided lightly. I have been struggling with my gender identity my entire life, and over the past two years I have been grappling with being trans, self-acceptance, and even coming out. The stakes of coming out are high. I do not anticipate that my wife will accept this, and will likely end our 20-year marriage.

Leading up to starting HRT, I had been crippled with fear and doubt and was unable to summon the clarity and confidence needed to come out. I had tried, but the words always died out before they reached my mouth. I am so afraid of saying something I can’t take back, something that will change my relationship with my wife and forever change the way she sees me. I am embarrassed to see myself through her eyes.

It got to a point where I decided that I had to take action on my gender identity crisis. I reached out to a gender-affirming nurse and picked up my prescriptions. I felt so guilty having the HRT in hand, knowing what impact doing HRT in the dark could cause. She will be justified to feel hurt and betrayed. But I didn’t know any way past the indecision and internal gridlock I had been in. I was hoping that taking action, doing something, would get me the clarity I needed to make a plan.

Ultimately, I sought relief from a lifelong gender dysphoria, wanting to “quiet the noise” and “feel at home in my own skin.” I hoped estrogen would bring emotional balance and self-understanding, even if I stayed in the closet. I wrote that “I need to know how it feels to live even partway as myself.” This was a test to see if gender identity and transition were truly my path, and not just an obsession: “I’m hoping estrogen will tell me the truth my mind keeps arguing about.”

# What was it like early on starting HRT?

The first few days felt transformative and surreal. As the weeks continued I felt “calm in a way I’ve never felt before… like the world’s volume got turned down.” I began to feel a sense of gentleness, emotional clarity, and openness. But there was also internal conflict, waves of fear and guilt about the secrecy and being “caught.” Mostly though, I had empowered thoughts such as “every pill feels like both rebellion and salvation.”

# What was being on HRT for 10 full weeks actually like?

The changes I experienced emotionally and with my mental health were profound. I have never felt more emotionally grounded than I did while on HRT. I’m already a pretty empathetic person, but I was even more so while on HRT. And best of all, I had some relief from intrusive thoughts. I don’t know how to describe it, but I felt “trans” and loved that feeling. I didn’t feel like the “How do you do, fellow kids?” meme like I normally do around trans people. I felt real. I wrote that “my inner world feels less combative. Like I’m finally exhaling.”

But it was not all roses. I often cycled between euphoria and fear, writing “some days I feel beautiful and real. Others I feel like I’ve made a huge mistake.” While HRT did significantly reduce my gender dysphoria, it did not get rid of it. I described this as “estrogen quiets the pain, but doesn’t erase the cage.” Melodramatic, I know :)

The physical changes were as thrilling as they were terrifying, but I doubt I would have felt negatively about them at all had I not been in the closet while they were happening. I loved that my skin was softer, my voice was softer and more feminine (by no means a female voice, I just lost a bit of low range and volume; I have no idea why), and I had very little body odor. All lovely changes.

Regarding breast growth, my nipples grew larger, puffier, and pointier, and overall my chest seemed more swollen. They hurt like hell even at the softest touch. But the most unexpected and alarming changes were what it did to me sexually (my apologies ahead of time for going a little TMI here). My libido tanked. Like non-existent. “Things” got much smaller, and mechanically became very unresponsive. My orgasms were dry, which freaked me out. None of these sexual physical changes were acceptable for being married and in the closet. I may have continued HRT for longer if not for these specific changes.

# What lessons did I learn?

I realized that clarity does not arrive in one clear moment, writing “there’s no single ‘aha.’ It’s small truths building on each other.”I learned that relief itself is data, that feeling peace on HRT says something real about my identity. I wrote “even if I stop, I know what peace feels like now. That’s not nothing.”I discovered that fear is part of my truth, not proof against it. I wrote “Fear doesn’t mean I’m wrong; it means I'm standing near something real.”

I learned what better emotional regulation feels like. I expected estrogen to make me feel more emotional swings and intensity. While I did feel more tuned into my emotions, it was much more of an even and stable way of being than when I was running on testosterone. I wrote “I didn’t expect calm. I expected chaos. But instead I feel… balanced.” Estrogen is amazing y’all :)

I also learned how deeply all this secrecy hurts me.

# Final thoughts

I had a lot of difficulty revisiting this chapter of my journey, but it was good for me to do. Good for me to be reminded in my own words what it was like being closeted at that time, and what HRT gifted me.

I think the big picture is that I see someone who was struggling, very full of fear, but also genuinely looking for a way to move forward. I can see how fear has shaped my past and present, and will continue to guide the course of my life if I let it.

I’ve been hiding my gender identity struggles for 40 years now. That is staggering to think about. 40 years of hiding this from my parents, my childhood friends, girlfriends, college buddies, my wife, and my kids. I don’t know if I can even change my behavior after all these years. The fear and hiding feels baked into the cake. But I don’t want it to be.

I think that is why I keep posting here as a cry for help. I mean… 40 years of living in fear about my gender is 40 years too many. Right?

I’m 46, married with kids, and I went on HRT from the closet. Here is my experience...