Genuinely how to stop feeling and thinking, I'm so sick of this.

This might sound facetious, but I'm being deadass: I would rather be numb than continue to think and feel so much about this person. He was my boyfriend for almost two years, and the relationship ended seven months ago, but I'm still thinking about him. Before college started, I thought I was finally starting to move on. Then, on the second day of the first week of lectures, I saw him holding hands with a new girl. The thing is, I had mentally prepared for this. I told myself he would have likely found someone over the summer. But seeing it in real life made my heart drop to my stomach, causing spiralling thoughts about being disposable and worthless.

I know this rumination isn't useful, especially since I have to write my dissertation this year and I have been focused on it. I dedicate 3 hours to it everyday. But I cry while doing my lit review, I cry writing up my notes, and I cry on the bus ride home. The only time I’m not crying is when I'm on campus. I’m composed there, but the second I get home, I'm hit with this overwhelming sadness and frustration.

Frustration because I know for a fact he has moved on and isn't feeling this way; it's been seven months, and he's still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing before I sleep.

Frustration because every time I'm on campus, I have to pretend there isn’t a constant knot in my stomach and put on the appearance of "moving on".

Frustration because the last image he has of me is this vulnerable, needy person I never should have allowed myself to become.

It’s absolute bullshit because I’m doing everything right. I have hobbies, I meet up with friends, I'm not putting my life on hold, and I'm productive every single day. Yet I still think about him and the relationship. Like, what the actual fuck is wrong with me?

Why can't I have the kind of brain that just forgets someone after not seeing them for a while? Why can't I just compartmentalise these emotions? Why does it have to be so enveloping? I’m genuinely considering going back on SSRIs. I need to stop thinking like this. I cannot go through my final year feeling this way. It's unacceptable and feels pathetic.

I talked to my DBT therapist about it (feeling disposable) and she said that's just the way men are, they can move on quickly and forget about you. I'm genuinely so envious of this, what a wonderful existence that must be.