7 year relationship — she cheated with a woman and lied. Still find myself wondering about her and wanting her to contact me.

I was in a relationship for seven years. We moved countries and we built a life together. We shared routines, trips, a lot of our free time and entertainment, and we had a cat we both cared for. She seemed steady and loving and I fell in love with her completely. For years she talked about long term plans and even marriage. I truly believed we had a future. She's bi, thats important for later.

Over time the relationship became very unbalanced. I was the one who always pushed for plans, handled practical stuff like housing and work, and worried more about our future. She was more comfortable letting me carry that weight. Sex was inconsistent. Sometimes it was great, sometimes it felt like a chore and required effort for both of us to be satisfied.

I was already planning to ask her to marry me this october, and then after I casually mentioned to her about marriage she suddenly said she was not ready. That turned on some alarms, because few months earlier she was excited for it, asked me about it, etc. When I pressed for more answers she started to avoid and deflect. I remember trying to be open and reasonable. Then she finally told me that she had this curiosity to explore her bisexuality. I agreed that she could explore that side of herself as long as I could also have some experiences with other women, which she accepted. What I did not know at the time was that she was already acting on those curiosities.

That talk was really positive, mainly because i didnt knew that she was actually already doing it.. Then she made a mistake: asked me if I would be okay with her being with a coworker on a specific date. That specific date set off alarms in my head. Why that date? How could she be so sure that the other woman would be with her then? My questions made her defensive. Over the next week she avoided direct answers, contradicted herself at times, and once appeared to have a panic attack when she realized I was getting close to the truth. She spent that week manipulating the conversation and getting irritated whenever I pushed for clarity.

I ended up going through her phone and discovered she had been cheating. I had to find out that way because she never admitted it to me. I didnt saw any real remorse, or any regards to me on those texts. She tried to justify it as something she needed to do to understand herself. I was really hurt, it was a messy fight. When she saw me crying she attempted to kill herself. I do not know whether that was a real attempt or an extreme plea for attention, but it was messy, police got involved, etc. Either way it was traumatic as fuck.

We broke up. The betrayal hit me harder than anything. I felt humiliated and rejected and my self esteem collapsed. I started smoking again for a while then decided to stop. I left for a short trip for about 18 days to clear my head. When I came back I was devastated and in a moment of weakness I messaged her asking if she wanted to meet for a beer. I wrote that I did not want anything heavy, just something light. She declined and said she was not in a place to see me again, that she was still feeling really bad and that meeting wasnt going to do anything good to any of us. Her sister had been staying with her and left recently. It has been days since and she still has not reached out. She still follows me on social media and once liked a story the day her sister left, but she has not messaged.

I keep hoping she will contact me, not necessarily to get back together but for validation that she still cares or missed me. I know logically that wanting that validation is probably unhealthy and that trying to attract her back is likely a bad idea given how everything ended. I also know that if she does reach out it will probably be because she is lonely or curious, not because she has done the work to change.

I am posting because im not sure what to do. One side of me wants to attract her back, the other wants to move on. But those thoughts never leave my head. I feel like its not as bad as if it was with a man, i think about how she was always so mad with infidelity stories, and that what she did was so fucking out of character that i think she deserves forgiveness, but i cant do that if shes not interested in reaching out to me.

I know i sound really weak, but at least im not chasing, and i will not contact her. I just want some real human advice.

• Is her mistake forgivable?

• How likely is it, realistically, that she will message me out of genuine reflection and remorse rather than momentary loneliness?
• If she does reach out, how can I tell whether it is sincere or just a comfort seek?
• Is trying to attract her back for validation ever a good idea or is it almost always a trap that makes the healing worse?
• Practically, what are the safest steps I can take to stop waiting for her and start rebuilding my sense of worth and how aggressive should no contact be?

Thanks for any real answers.