I broke down in front of my family. I am just tired

I’m 21 and diagnosed with co-morbid anxiety/depression by a licensed psychiatrist. As a kid up until now, I’ve never had any irl friends due to my own insecurities around my personality. I’ve always struggled with my mental health since being a young child with daily suicidal ideation.

A few years ago, my mom developed an affliction in her legs that makes every day tasks extremely challenging. She still works, but relies on me to help her in the bathroom, get showered, dressed, and daily medical treatments. My brother helps with the driving. I am still learning how. She relies on both of us for food, but we end up ordering in most nights since I struggle to cook with my depression and still trying to learn how through YouTube. I quit my part time job as it was draining for me to clock off work and take care of my mom right after; it also made it more difficult on my brother to keep driving me. I don’t have the financial means to move out.

I spend every day at home unless we go out for my mom’s stuff, to pick up food, or to get groceries. Idk how to talk to people without coming across as awkward or accidentally rude. I get annoyed easily, can’t hold a conversation to save my life, and take things too personally. I feel pressured by everyone to take care of my mom when I can hardly take care of myself. She’s done so much for me, but I can’t keep doing it. The same family that say I should be doing more to help my mom only visit when THEY need my mom’s help. I’m the one they look at when they see the house is a mess or nothing has been cooked. I’m the one they think should be taking care of my mom full-time. I’m the one they see as a failure of a daughter.

I’m overwhelmed. My suicidal ideation has been more persistent than ever. I don’t know what happiness feels like. The only thing that’s kept me alive is the hope that I’ll have people to connect with and find community in the future. That’s all that’s kept me going, but I’m losing hope. I rarely cry in front of people. Today, I broke down after helping my mom in the bathroom and said that I can’t do this anymore. I said I am tired. She’s resentful that I don’t want to help her anymore. I’m just tired. I have no one and I am tired