I (32F) always feel in the wrong when I have arguments with my (56M) husband.

I’ll start by saying: I’m aware we have a huge age gap. That’s never been something that bothered me. We’ve been married for less than a year, but together for two years.

What does bother me is not knowing if I’m in the wrong which feels like I am all the time. Over the weekend my husband and I had a huge fight. It seems like we’ve been fighting more and more since the start of summer.

So over the weekend, I was on my phone, and my husband was in the kitchen. I was scrolling on TikTok and when he came over I put my phone away to give him my attention. He interpreted this as me being “sneaky.” My husband doesn’t have nor uses a cellphone, only a computer. I reassured him that I wasn’t doing anything behind his back and showed him my phone and everything in it. He then said “People can delete history” and I responded with: “Yeah that’s true. But I did not.” I then brought it up how he sometimes seem secretive about his computer, and that his accusation came so out of left field that it makes me question if he’s projecting on to me. He later apologized, and that was the end of that. HOWEVER, I took the opportunity to bring to his attention that I said earlier in the week that I felt lonely in the relationship, and that if I was doing anything behind his back I wouldn’t feel that way. For reference: my husband and I DONT live together. We only see each other on the weekends. After I brought it to his attention that he didn’t say anything about me being lonely (he later clarified that he thought I meant that in the sense of just missing him) it turned into another fight… a fight that involved me just being quiet most of the day.

When he was upset about my phone, he was quiet and wasn’t going to say anything… I took it upon myself to SEE that he was hurting and upset, and asked him what was wrong, and reassured him. When I got upset, I was left alone with only a few “touches” here and there as effort… no talking, no asking me how I feel.

This is a common theme in our relationship I’ve noticed. If he gets mad or upset (typically after I’ve expressed anything negative) I’m QUICK to try to fix and repair his mood. When I’m in a mood/sulking… I get left alone, told I’m ruining our weekend, I’m draining, etc… he also uses the fact that he’s gone to “Primal Therapy” as some badge to absolve him of anything wrong. When I’m unhappy, he often times tells me I’m not living in the present moment and that I’m really just upset about something from the past. He says I’m triggered and not living in reality. When he’s upset, it’s ALWAYS justified. He will rarely admit that he sometimes too get triggered and will say something is his fault, but 99.9% of the time I’m made out to be the bad guy. Then when I tell him what he did and why I feel the way I do, he starts saying things like: “Yeah I’m just a horrible husband. Always the bad guy” and things along those lines but that’s the exact way he makes me feel. I’ve told him several times now that I feel like I can’t express ANYTHING negative or else it turns into something. This morning when he was dropping me off, we again argued about what transpired over the weekend, and I said in the heat of the moment that perhaps we just need a break from each other since talking never seems to work. In the midst of still arguing, he said “After this weekend I don’t want to see you” so now I’m home and just completely feeling defeated and lost. I love him dearly but hate how we handle conflict. We are both incredibly sensitive individuals, both admittedly so. However it seems like lately we get close, and then something happens, and then we’re even further a part from each other. I’m sad and hurting and just want to be happy with him. I know we can be close and happy because we typically feel that way when we aren’t fighting/arguing. It’s as if we become true enemies when we argue. And it always feels like my fault even though I know I’m reacting to the current situation. He makes me believe otherwise.

TL:DR: Fights with my husband constantly feel like my fault only. He essentially believes since he went to therapy (nearly 30 years ago) he’s absolved of transgressions. I’m always left feeling like the problem and regretting saying anything.