My(22) best friend killed themselves and I cant keep being everyones rock

So, title. My best friend L died a little over a week ago, it came out of the blue. They had some things going on that they never shared the full extent of and even though I know I couldnt have changed their mind, it still sucks that I wasnt able to be a better friend for those last weeks when we could still talk. I'm starting to feel better but its still stuff I just cant bring myself to do. I feel sick reading our old messages and I havent said or typed their name since it happened, still dont know when I will be able to.

One of our mutual friends have always had mental health issues for as long as Ive known her (lil over a year) and while shes a great friend, Ive always been put in the role of having to comfort and balance sinking ships in every close friend group ive ever had. Ive been fielding other peoples suicide threats since I was 13. Im so tired of it. It feels like everything I do is just about sitting in a row boat filling with water and throwing bucket fulls back into the occean as it keeps sinking. I dont know why I keep getting put in this situation time and time again. Is my head broken or something? why cant I make normal friends that I dont have to convince to stay alive?? Im trying my best to help my friend, I know she cant help it, I know what she needs most rn is reassurance that our friendship isnt gonna end just cause L died. Im trying so hard to put her needs over my own. But how can you help a person that wants you to save them yet refuses to do anything that would help?

Im a positive person, kinda have to be to not implode, but I dont have any place to grieve cause im stuck being everyones rock. I cant tell anyone about how I feel. My friend acts like shes the first person to ever struggle, like im stupid for relating or trying to come up with solutions. It feels like she doesnt see me as a full person. Like Im a snowglobe to shake for external validation and trivia. I feel awful having to always be so supportive, I want to be able to joke about things that suck, I want to be able to tease without worrying that it will cause someone to spiral, I want to be able to comfort someone without having to watch my every word for things that could bring on a sucidal episode. I want to be able to end friendships that are bad for me instead of dragging them along forever. it would be so much easier than trying to support someone that refuses to belive anything good you tell them. I dont want to have my trauma dragged out as a comfort tool for other people.

im so angry and im so sad, and Im not allowed to be either infront of other people.