Am I asking too much, or do I have the right to feel like he's only loving me when it's convenient?

I don't want to write this, but after several conversations that ALWAYS turn into arguments where he feels defensive or attacked, I don't know know what to do...

I’m in a long-distance relationship, officially about 4 months, but we started talking the beginning of this year when I was happily single. For context, I (34F) was in a relationship for 5yrs prior where I didn't get my emotional needs met. I took time to go to therapy and work on my own happiness. I made it very clear to him that I didn't want to be in a relationship that made me feel any less peaceful or happy that I could make myself. I set my standards and communicated them clearly. He (38M) was very persistent that he wanted the same type of relationship and could be that. I even told him I'm okay waiting until I move next year, but again, he was very confident that it's what he wanted.

In the very beginning, he was thoughtful with little surprises that made me feel seen. Photo gifts, always wanting to take pictures, a sweet letter, always had undivided attention when we would FaceTime, he loved us having deep long conversations and reading...

But over the last few months, I noticed that dwindling significantly. It started small so I tried not to overthink especially cause he had a new job. But it was visible enough where conversations started to be surface level unless I tried to bring something up, but even then the effort wasn't really there to reciprocate.

I’ve tried to share feelings of emotional disconnection and wanting us to grow together on an emotional and romantic level and I want to feel special like he would tell me he wants me to feel. Even when I preface things kindly, he often takes it as me saying he’s not doing enough. After one conversation turned into an argument, he sent me a heartfelt message about wanting to “love me better, not just with intention but with action,” which meant a lot to me because that’s exactly what I need. But when I would ask how or what that meant to him, he would say he doesn't know and needs time to process... but then never initiates bringing it back up. So I’m struggling with whether his actions match his words.

For example: there was a product drop I was so excited about as I waited for years. I sent him links, made it clear how much it meant, and thought he’d surprise me. He didn’t. A few weeks went by so I ended up buying them for myself and when I shared that i had bought some, my boyfriend’s reaction was supportive like "Aw that's good. I'm glad!" but very surface-level and not once said "I was going to get you one"

Another example: when he visited recently, he offered to help me clean up and said he wanted to ease my stress because he knew how much I had going on. When he asked me what he could do, I gave him a couple of small, specific tasks... He then asked if I could text him a list. I obliged, but was a little dissapointed that it felt like i had to write things down like a chore. He had hours free while I was at work, but instead he napped, went to the gym, and got himself snacks. He picked me up later, smiled, and said, “Don’t be mad, I didn’t do what you asked, but it’s fine, we’ll do it together later.” I felt sad — not because of the undone tasks, but because he’d offered, knew how stressed I was, and then brushed it off. I started to cry in silence and asked him to give me a minute. I didn't blow up or yell or get mad. I calmly tried to explain my feelings and how it hurt that even when I make it convenient, it felt like he took advantage of me being understanding even though he made me feel so safe that he would want to help me.. He got defensive and it escalated into him blurting out that maybe we should just go our separate ways after the trip since he’s “not doing enough.” I went outside to take a breath and he apologized and said he didn't want to, and wanted to make me happy.

And here’s the part that really confuses me: one time he even asked me, “If I asked you to buy me X, would you do it?” I said yes, I would. He didn’t end up asking, but over several days he kept saying, “Dang, I keep forgetting to buy X” and “Ugh, I really need X.” What he didn’t know was that I had already shipped it the day he wondered if i would. When it arrived, I asked him, “When you kept hinting, were you hoping I’d just buy it without you asking?” He sheepishly said, “Yeah, I did. Thank you, babe.” So he clearly appreciates thoughtfulness when it comes from me.

For context, he does show care in practical ways — like ordering me food or coffee on DoorDash — but it’s always after asking me exactly what I want and having me send a link. It’s never a surprise or anticipation. Meanwhile, I tend to send him things he needs or surprise him without asking. I've sent him hand written cards, his favorite snacks, pratical home things that he's complained about having to get, I give him advice and truly listen on just about everything he talks about.

I've brought it up in several ways. And he keeps saying he will process and talk to me but then when I check a few weeks later, he says he forgets and gets defensive as if im being mean to ask where he's at or if he's thought about our conversation. Now its to a point where he says we argue all the time and I keep "bringing things up from the past" and I feel so confused because the only reason things keep coming up is because he won't communicate with me and seems to expect me to just forget? He sends me short loving texts, talks to me often..etc.

I can’t tell if I’m expecting too much. Am I asking too much by wanting more thoughtfulness, follow-through, and initiative from him, or is this a reasonable need in a relationship? I'm at a point where I'm so confused because he's so sweet with saying he loves me, and is thinking of me and hopes I have a good day and wants to talk every day but I can't think of a time he was romantic without being prompted. Like sending me something just because that wasnt initiated by me specifically asking or when we argue...

But again, he sends me food and coffee so should I just be grateful for that?

I've never been in an LDR, so I guess i wonder what is reasonable to expect.