Having a hard time

I was a month sober from end of May to June, then again another month from my slip up in June through July. I was feeling amazing once I got into the swing of things those two months. But since August I’ve been having a hard time ever since. I feel like my high risk behavior has generally toned down quite a bit (drug use, going out alone and going home with randos) but I’m usually drinking 1-2 bottles of white wine every night alone at home. I can’t be honest with anyone, I mean I can, I just can’t bring myself to. Everyone has been telling me how good I’m doing and how they are proud of me but I’m drinking in excess every night and they don’t know and it makes me feel so guilty and ashamed. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself, I’ve lost weight and feel sorta confident again, I have a new incredible apartment that’s all mine in the best neighborhood in my city, I have a closer circle of friends after weeding out a lot of people who made me feel crappy. My job situation could be better but I am making enough money to get by, I’m definitely unfulfilled and under stimulated and I wonder if that’s part of this. Anyway, I’m biting my nails right now stopping myself from going to the liquor store that is unfortunately 150 feet (according to google) from my apartment. I know I can do this, and I know when I had those sober stints I was the happiest I’d been in years. But now I can’t remember what that felt like at all and the only thing I want is the wine as soon as the clock hits 5. I guess I’m just venting and I’m also asking for words of encouragement or even a get your shit together talk. I’m 27, I want to get ahead of this before I get even older. I want to have a family that I take care of and I want to have a career where I help people in some sort of way and I want to be the best mom possible. I guess I just don’t know how to get back on the sober horse and I’m really upset with myself for it. If you read all of this thank you, I appreciate you sitting here with me for a moment and I hope you have a wonderful night and week.