the debilitating fear of ever getting pregnant

So I’m 23, I have a pretty extensive history that I really don’t wanna even like talk about. I really haven’t told any friends about it except for the main adults involved years and years and years ago when I was a kid. I personally try to not really even think about it. It’s really hard for me to talk about. In general I try to shut that shit down if my brain thinks about it too much. It’s like a paralyzing anxiety because when I had stuff happen to me, I couldn’t move or anything. I would just pretend that I was asleep. But ever since I was a kid I’ve had an actually debilitating fear of getting pregnant. I was a bit of a late bloomer and I got my period when I was 16, because I have endo from the abuse. I am currently on Nexplanon and I’ve been on my implant for six years to manage painful cramps and because of my phobia. I also got sterilized last October for a variety of different reasons but ultimately at the end of the day it’s because I’m terrified of ever getting pregnant. I don’t usually have sex with men or at least not as much as women. I am usually very uncomfortable and very on guard if I’m in a room with a man, even if its totally irrational. It could be a man who I have known all my life and who I genuinely love as a part of my family and I am still uneasy in the room. It’s never personal, just that I have insane hypervigilance. I tend to have female partners in the room and even if I do have sex with men, it’s always safe. I really struggle with relationships because I can’t commit to anybody. I feel like I’m constantly in like a battle with myself on managing intimacy and relationships, even with my own body. I genuinely thought that I was asexual for a long time, but I have since come to terms that maybe I’m aromantic. I don’t know. But despite having Nexplanon and being sterilized, I am still genuinely terrified of ever getting pregnant. I am due to replace my Nexplanon implant, I didn’t replace it when I got my bisalp because I originally got it for cramps, and I’m almost scared to take it out because what if I get pregnant? The thought of it genuinely can make me start crying. It resurfaces a lot of disturbing emotions for me. And despite having all of these precautions, sex is something that still really scares me because of the risk. I don’t know how to cope with this with my relationships. I know for a fact that I do not ever want to have a child because for me that trauma will always be there in the back of my head and it terrifies me. But, I really am terrified of getting pregnant. I feel like it’s almost an irrational fear at this point because I have taken so much precaution. I really do believe that getting sterilized set me free in a sense, but I just don’t understand why I can’t be OK.

I am still undecided on whether or not I should replace my Nexplanon because I don’t know if I’m still just going to enable that fear at the end of the day. I don’t know if removing it would help me realize that I’m finally safe and that I don’t have to be afraid of that anymore. I like actually hate myself because it’s like I don’t understand why I can’t just stop being so paranoid all the time.