I dont know at this point

Im tired of Bipolar why cant i be normal I dont sleep all nights i just pass out like at 10 in the morning Scroll watch videos play games smoke a lot I feel like im just a robot and my brain controls it Im not saying this to you who is like a therpist who Understands mental disorders and even preparing for USMLE for Psychiatry MD Because of 2 reasons

• she has her own shit she is going through as she herself is Depressed
• she feels i aint helping Myself enough I feel a robot or like a slave for a king (my brain) who just wants me to get stimulation as he himself cant get it and it is using me as a vessel

Im worried about my college attendance Im lying at home that im regular to college I dont feel like doingg anything Im even tired of scrolling reels and all nothing makes me happy or satisfied I have no aspirations You keep telling me to meditate that feels horrible as im scared of my own thoughts if i meditate I dont tell anyone whats bothering me what is Happening Im having my earphones for 24/7 Not even 5 minutes i can be without something on my headphones I dont even know what to rant Anymore 18 days and counting and i havent been to college im scared to go Smoking has gone to roof like 10-12 per day Im scared to take medicines i dont Want to sleep all day all night