Thoughts of committing everyday over the past month, almost every other day over the last 6 years, thoughts of death all my life

I’m sorry if this seems very incoherent

Fantasizing martyrdom, lived my entire life with the goal of practicing altruism- a “gentle giant” as some have called me in the past.

I went up to a lady on the train the other day, offering my seat and I saw a moment of fear in her eyes as I approached her.

I’m always well dressed when I go out, just so people around me feel comfortable in my presence. Whenever I go out I’m ready to step in to help anyone, even if it harms me.

I feel uncomfortable when being praised or complimented.

I can’t imagine being married, with my own home, with my own kids.

Why would someone who supposedly doesn’t have an ego and who’s generous want to be so selfish and kill themself? Who am I? A hypocrite?

I’m going down a career path that requires me to “sacrifice” my 20’s and early 30’s, a career path that I dream about every day.

Have I gaslit myself over the years into subscribing to the notion of being “depressed”? Am I just an over thinker who doesn’t have a social life with others which subsequently makes them only have conversations with themselves?

I feel like a burden to others

It feels like my lucks been running out