Feeling trapped

Been married a very long time. I put and end to alcoholism a decade ago, and have found that my pursuit was in search of who I am.

Through endless blow ups, peaceful discussions, pleading, begging, for my wife to understand me and help me I've realized that she is completely bereft of self awareness, loves being a victim, and makes no effort to stop behaviors that are not only enabling to those she thinks she is helping, but also very unhealthy for me. I am now considering linking my health problems (some explained by genetics, and major stress being a legit contributing factor) to this terrible dynamic in my life.

I am in counseling, voluntarily, I want to be a good person. And I will find out soon if I am autistic. I already know I am.

That being the situation, I now know that there are simply things that will trigger me and cause great deals of stress, and harm for the rest of my life.

How do I reconcile when the person who says that they "love me," reveals over and over that I am not even on the radar?