I think my friend might be an actual racist

I said friend on the title as to not garner any suspicion in case someone I know sees this—I am actually talking about my roommate.

I, a woman, live in a house with 4 other men, one of those being my boyfriend. When I first started coming around here, it was clear everyone loved to make, “edgy” jokes. It was my understanding that they were all good guys and didn’t actually believe in anything they were joking about, so I overlooked it (I recognize this now as a likely mistake)

Eventually, I moved in. As the months went on, I started to feel like it’s possible that it’s more than just edgy jokes. The main roommate of discussion (in this vent) always excuses his racist jokes by saying, “I can say that, I had a black girlfriend” which I feel like is definitely something a racist person would say. And it just feels like he means it. Often when he talks about the things he hated about his ex, it’s centered on something about her blackness. He says the N word sometimes, and he genuinely gets a kick out of it. There was one time playing games that everyone apparently (I wasn’t there) had to be like yo, that’s way too far, you can’t say that. Yet I feel like whenever he gets the opportunity, he still says things that are extremely problematic.

I think he is also a misogynist, there have been conversations I have witnessed of him and another one of the roommates talking about a woman and he will immediately resort to saying things like, “fuck that bitch” when he has no reason to. He also just gives me creep vibes kind of, like he flirts with people’s girlfriends right in front of them, people that are his FRIENDS. And he also made me super uncomfortable by showing me a very sexual game soon after I met him. All the other roommates thought it was funny, and I had to explain to my boyfriend why that’s not an appropriate thing to show a woman if you want to signal that you are a safe person.

Recently, we’ve been having some tension in the house because everyone was upset that I suggested a chore chart, which was hilarious because the person that suggested it was another one of the roommates. Classic—when it’s a man’s idea, it’s great. When it’s a woman’s idea, everyone hates her and they feel bossed around. And by everyone, yes, I mean all my roommates (except my boyfriend ofc) but I mostly mean the roommate that is the main subject of this rant. He has been clearly very cold and just avoiding both of us. I was just in the hospital and he didn’t even say to feel better. Not only that, but the first week of this arrangement that they ended up not obliging to, two of the roommates did in fact (again, my bf included of course) did actually do their cleaning. Aforementioned roommate is the only one that did not do his cleaning, after I deep cleaned HIS bathroom for him just to be nice when he and the others had THEIR friends over for a game night.

Like, they clearly want me as a maid and to clean all their shit, and he clearly wants that, because he’s probably a racist and misogynist. Of course, this hurts to say, because I used to like him. He’s very a very generous person, and can be very kind at times. But I think that’s kinda the whole thing. I had a friend exactly like that once—was so generous to me for no reason, unprompted, was kind, funny, thoughtful—until I had no value to him because I didn’t like him back. Then all of a sudden I was a stupid bitch and everything else under the sun.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting, but his sour attitude over something so simple has really just given me a bad taste in my mouth on top of everything else I mentioned. The other two roommates: one is great, I have no issues with him aside from his a little younger and sometimes that shows itself, he can be overly agreeable, sometimes with things that can be wrong. But I genuinely just think he’s still learning, and has a good heart. The other—well, he used to be my FWB, and he’s kind of an asshole. His girlfriend is also black yet he makes all these racist jokes behind the scenes. He once told everyone else to stop making those jokes because it’s wrong, then went back to making them with everyone else the next day.

I don’t know. I’m just frustrated. I don’t know if I’m just looking to be upset about something, but I feel like this happens with a lot of dynamics. I love them at first, then that love quickly turns to a strong dislike. I don’t know the reason, perhaps it’s that I tend to see the good in people too much, and then eventually who they are becomes too obvious to ignore? I don’t know. I just don’t exactly know how to truly reconcile with someone who I genuinely feel is a racist and honestly, kind of an incel.

I hope one day to be in a place where I feel I belong, and I’m surrounded by people I look up to and aspire to be. People who don’t think saying the N word is funny, and people who don’t turn on me when I don’t give them what they want.