I always feel like no one actually likes me

To be fair, in my childhood and adolescence I have often been bullied and told that people don’t like me.

But even nowadays when I technically have good friends and people are genuinely nice to me, I think they secretly don’t like me or are just nice because they are a) nice to everyone or b) to not disturb the vibe.

For example: I live somewhat nomadic and am moving to a place I always spend winter for the past 4 years. I texted someone I know there that I found out that the place I’m renting is next to theirs. They said “oh we were just talking about you, let us know when you arrive to give you a good welcome” and all I can think is “I bet they were talking shit about me.”

Whenever friends do stuff without me I think it’s because they didn’t want me there. I go to social events I don’t wanna go to because I worry that otherwise people will forget about me.

When a man is interested in me I think “what’s the point, once he gets to know me he no longer will be” (although that could be a different issue).

The thing is that I actually quite like myself. I think I’m fine, I know I mean well, I’m reasonably friendly (albeit a bit socially awkward), I can hold a conversation, have hobbies… of course I have bad personality traits, like everyone. In a vacuum they don’t seem bad, but when it comes to social things, I always assume no one REALLY likes me.

What the heck is that?