I keep hurting my friends

Hey dad

Now Im 24, and have been struggling with mental health for at least 10 of those.

My friend Jessica means the whole world to me. Shes everything and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. Yes you’ll quickly see that I’m in love with her. She isn’t with me, but that’s okay. She has someone who makes her happier than I ever could, and that makes me happy.

But I struggle so much with mental health, I break down, I question the sincerity of everyone around me, I doubt whether or not they care or would cry if I was gone, because I can’t convince myself that they would. At every tiny hiccup there’s this incessant voice in the back of my head instantly screaming at me that they hate me, that they’ll replace me. In hindsight it’s always an unfounded fear, but it always comes back. I broke down again today, in front of Jessi. That’s the third time total, and every single time it’s hurt her. It isn’t exclusive to her, it happens to other friends like Lena and Matej, or I’ll end up ghosting others like Flo or Maria. And every single time I can feel them all drifting further and further away, and I never know how to make up for the damage I’ve caused, the things I’ve said and never meant. Im going to therapy, it’s slow but I’m going, I’m gonna get medication soon for cases like this to prevent breakdowns in an emergency. But it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. That I should’ve done more, better and sooner.

A lot of the time I wonder if I should just shut away for their sake, because I don’t want to cause them grief. They stay, and they always say they’ll stay, but at what cost? I can’t expect them to just endure my liability every single time, forgive and forget every single time, if I’m not showing any signs of improvement. I don’t want to hurt then anymore, I don’t want the constant guilt of not being a better friend. Half the time I just want to be left alone, somehow grit my teeth through it all and get back to them when I’m better. But what if they forget me? What if by then, they truly don’t care anymore?

What do I do? How can I look them in the eye and say “You mean a lot to me” when I keep doing this? How can I say that I actually love Jessica, if I don’t even believe her when she says that she cares?