I want to go back to her but I am forcing myself to never do that

Its been almost 3 month since I broke-up with my gf of 1.5 years. What looked like a relationship that will end up with us settling together,I had to walk away from it. I want to let it out her as I don’t want to trouble my friends much by ranting too much in front of them. I caught her texting vulgar things to some guy she met few months ago,making plans to netflix and chill and they actually me and kissed but I guess the netflix and chill didn’t happen due to some reason and complaining about our sex life like how boring it was compared to her roommate’s etc etc.Irony there were alot of times when we went out for vacation and she got sick or had period and we had to come home without doing anything,but never did I once complained about it to anyone let alone her;as for me these things happens sometimes and its no big deal. There were times she used to even say “am I not enough?” whenever I say that I miss my old friends and then she went there and tried to get validation from other guy while I was there with her almost all the time(maybe my availability was the issue that might have forced her to take that step) Long story short, seeing those texts broke me and I decided to walk away from this relationship once and for all. She tried to fix things between us and I command her efforts this time but after doing the same thing twice even after telling her not to do it(few months before we broke up,I caught her talking to her ex even after me telling her alot of times not to) I was done with it. I still don’t know what else I could have done to make her not go talk like that to some other guy,but from my side I will say that I gave my all in this relationship. Was as present,attentive,caring and put efforts as much as I could. I even gave her one chance that we might try things again,but there was a small fight that happened between us and that incident came up and she again started deflecting blame on others or saying she doesn’t want to remember that incident etc etc and I snapped and walked away finally. After we broke up,she started acting weird forcing people to come talk to me,giving away my number away to her friends whom I never knew to go and talk to her,her friends telling me she was having some panic episodes etc etc and I should go and talk to her once even if I don’t fix things up. But I knew what will happen once I stand infront of her,again the same crying,begging,manipulation I don’t want to go through it. It continued for almost a month and then her friends stopped communicating me. When I felt that finally things have calmed down alittle bit,idk who,but someone leaked the information that I talked bad about her infront of our colleagues(we work in the same office;yes I know dating in the same office is bad but love happens sometimes) when I was drunk and that I was dating multiple people. She mailed me(I blocked her on every platform other than gmail) and put the blame on me saying that I just wanted to move away from her and that’s why I broke up with her and that I was not there when she was having those panic episodes . And now I am again depressed thinking about those words and I now am stuck between wanting to go back and fix things with her and never again unblocking her. I don’t know what to do.