Healing is hard

So now I really understand what people mean when they say healing isn’t linear.

About a month ago, I genuinely thought I’d reached the acceptance phase. My ex (26f) and I (28m) had one last talk before going no contact. We both weren’t sure if getting back together would be the right thing whether it would come from real love or just fear of being alone, codependency, or old habits.

We broke up around five months ago, and honestly, the reasons were mostly on me. I had a lot of personal issues and couldn’t be the person she needed or deserved during the past year. It wasn’t an easy time for either of us. Over the last few months, I’ve really worked on myself, and she noticed those changes that’s when she started doubting her decision, and we had those long talks a month ago.

But lately, I’ve been spiraling again. I’ve missed her all this time, but I thought I had accepted it was over or at least that I’d done my part to try again, and now the ball was in her court. But recently, I can’t stop thinking about reaching out again. There’s this voice in my head saying maybe if I just show her again how much I care, she’ll finally see that I truly mean it.

The thing is, she already knows all of that. We had that deep, honest conversation a month ago. She knows how I feel and that I’d love to try again. I know I should give her space and really start to move on maybe even block her on social media and delete old photos and chats. But letting go of someone you love that much is just… brutal.

There’s still this desperate part of me that wants to message her, even though I know it probably wouldn’t change anything. It has to come from her now she already knows my side.

I don’t know, maybe some of you have gone through this too. It’s my first real heartbreak, so maybe everything I’m feeling is just part of the process. Maybe I’m overthinking it and just need to finally accept that I can’t force her to come back.