Be careful who your PA discloses to

TLDR: My fiancé’s best friend tried to groom him for his own SA after finding out about his PA.

We’re 2 years out from our first D-Day, I think? It may be 3. I honestly can’t even keep track anymore. There’s been too many to count, the most recent being Sunday.

I think I’m finally ready to talk about this. It was one of the single most disturbing things to ever happen, and it cost my fiancé his best friend. Part of his original recovery plan about 6 months after our first D-Day was to talk to those close to him, his best friends, about his addiction. This was in the hope that they would support him in something he, at the time, felt was necessary.

His best friend did not agree, and would regularly tell him that if he was dating me, that he would dump me. That it was controlling behavior. My fiancé ignored this. Then, 5 months ago. His best friend messaged him on Discord out of the blue, asking about his PA. Asking him about what defines a porn addiction. The subject matter, frequency, etc. I am still so beyond proud of my fiance for how he responded, for at the time he didn’t know I saw the messages. He genuinely wanted to help his friend. He tried to explain what it was like for him, and how it affected our relationship and more specifically me. His best friend was going to get married in the coming months, so my fiancé wanted to impress upon him how it could hurt his future wife to find out.

His best friend said he didn’t think he had a PA. And then proceeded to ask my fiancé if he knew of a specific sex shop near their work (they previously worked together). My fiancé said he didn’t, which was true. He asked why his best friend was wondering. His best friend then says “I used to go there for the theater and get blown by random people there. Then I went to a place around the corner and hooked up with guys there. I asked you because I have no physical, mental, or emotional attraction to men so I didn’t know if that’s what it was. I just have to nut. I’ve been thinking about going to a place like that here (they’ve moved an hour away) after finding a video of me and a guy that I sent to someone on here a long time ago. I figured you and I are both pervs so I thought you’d be a good person to ask”

The moment I saw this message I called my fiancé. I told him I saw the messages and I wasn’t comfortable with his friendship with this guy anymore. He hadn’t seen the last message when I called and was shocked to read them. He agreed to not talk to this “friend” anymore after sending him a long message about how it’s unfair to his best friend’s fiancé to do that and how he’s there for him if he wants to recover but not to talk about his active addiction.

I fully 100% believe his friend was trying to feel him out to see if my fiancé would sleep with him. I fully believe he was grooming my fiancé for his own sick sex addiction. That’s why he thought the boundaries around my fiancé’s PA were ridiculous. I feel sick every time I think about it. It’s always at the back of my mind now.

PLEASE be careful who your PA discloses to. They need to steel themselves because others will try to take advantage of their addiction for their own sick agendas.

I later found out from my fiancé that if I had not seen the messages, he likely wouldn’t have told me about them. I don’t ever plan on leaving, so I’ve all but given up on him changing. I don’t believe this incident is what caused my fiancé to relapse. I’ll be getting the Facing Heartbreak workbook next week to work on my own healing. I have no contact with this friend or his fiance, nor do I know their current address as we never went there once they moved and we were never close enough to meet his fiancé or get her contact info to inform her.