Curious but terrified - hyper sensitivity to psychs

Hey everyone,

I’ve been wrestling with curiosity and fear around psychedelics for most of my adult life. I have found that I am HIGHLY sensitive and am worried that I may permanently alter my perception of reality if I try them again. I’ve never met another person that’s shared my experiences and I also have never been able to understand how people can smoke or trip in social settings, it is something I’m sure I’m incapable of. My goal in writing is to find others with similar experiences to mine, and whether they continued to explore or decided to let go..

The smallest amount (literal pinch hit) of thc can send me into paranoia, depersonalization, or sometimes out-of-body states. The only time I am able to have a positive experience is when I’m drunk. When I tried acid (one tab/dose- idk the amount but same as him) my guide’s face looked like a gargoyle the entire night. He was literally a world of Warcraft character to me. I was terrified of speaking to anyone but him and we ended up sitting in an empty lifeguard stand on a beach in Hawaii the entire night. I felt connected to every atom in existence, felt the world breathing with me, and it was like I was being observed by the entire galaxy. It was powerful, but too much. My friend (guide) took the same amount and didn’t have anywhere near the intensity that I described. It was enjoyable to me, but even in that moment I became scared of my own mind and the places it could go.

Now, 10 years since that trip with him, I’m still stuck in this space between curiosity and fear. I believe there’s something meaningful in these experiences, but I also know how fragile perception can be for me. How many of you are highly sensitive like myself? Is it something you work through or would you suggest I avoid them completely?

I’m not looking to jump in recklessly, just trying to understand what I’m reaching for and the risks involved considering my heightened sensitivity.

TL;DR: 30M, INFP, depression and anxiety, possibly BPD. Weed gives me paranoia, depersonalization, and fake reality feelings. Acid once made me trip for 8 hours, my guide’s face morphed into a gargoyle, felt connected to everything while my friend was fine. I want to explore psychedelics as medicine but I’m scared my sensitivity could permanently mess with my perception of reality.