I never said "easy"

S, 

I know you are on a trip to Spain this weekend. You didn’t want to tell me when I asked - you only iterated that it was «not a hike» and «not a family trip». Mysterious and private as always, but I see more than you think I do.

I don’t know why we are doing this to each other… I see the way you look at me, the disproportionate time and effort you spend getting to know me, the curiosity and questions and mirroring and probing and little tests. The little acts of service and the assuring words, the protective stance and the warmth and tenderness of your smile. The sneaky glances across the room, the affectionate nicknames, the unwavering support. I wouldn’t say I’m resisting, because I am most definitely not. Sometimes I even encourage and initiate, because our dynamic is so thrilling and validating and pierces right through me like an electric current. Our intense eye contact weakens and exposes me, and it scares the hell out of me. I know it must scare you too, why else would you pull back so abruptly only to return full force? 

If it calms you in any way, parts of this dynamic between us is just my personality shining through - you should see the Teams chats I have with the rest of the team, they are equally filled with banter and bad jokes. With you, some of it is flirting, yes, but some of it is also just about building playful and friendly rapport. I have a kind nature, I want you all to like me, and I want work to be exciting. Especially for you.. you seem bored out of your mind and full of untapped potential. If there’s anything I’ve taken away from the subordinates you’ve had that I’ve spoken to over the last few months, it is that they all admire you and think you are incredibly overqualified for the position you hold. And you should know, all of them speak so incredibly highly of you. I was so happy to hear that you lectured last week. When you teach, you are in your element - and you are so good at it. I am lucky to sometimes be on the receiving end of that. You should do it more.

It’s my little gift to the team to try and invest in you all. Maybe it’s a generational thing, because I wouldn’t say this type of playful banter was unheard of in any of my former workplaces. And as you know I keep everything within the bounds of the workplace, I wouldn’t contact you privately or intrude on your life. As for the flirting, I just can’t help myself sometimes. You are exactly my type you know, just 20 years older… Our chemistry is so intense. Maybe you have this kind of tension with people all the time, because you’re so damn emotionally intelligent, but for me its really, really, really rare. I think I’ve only felt this kind of pull for another person a handful of times. Not even. With the complexity of my life story, I gave up completely on finding resonance in others many years ago. So please excuse my little heart for sometimes getting carried away. You just remind me of my first love, both in personality and looks. 

I met him again during the conference. For the first time in 10 years. He’s engaged now, to a woman who looks just like me. She even said it herself when we met. «Wow! He has a type!» His life hasn’t changed since we broke up. It was like he kept the framework I created but replaced me within it. The whole meeting was bizarre. He proposed to her in France, in front of the apartment where we fell in love. He showed me a picture. Her engagement ring was the same ring he once gave me. I would have liked to have told you the full story about the absurdity of that encounter. In general there are tons of things I would like to tell you about the twists and turns of my unconventional story. I think you’d understand. But it’s also not your job to be my emotional confidant, I know that. Rationally. And I grieve it, because I think you’re one of the rare people who could have the ability to be. And I would like be the same keeper of emotional baggage for you.

I hope you know that even though I desire to be close to you, even though I have this deep-felt fondness for you, I would never hurt you. I would never make a move and potentially ruin the life you’ve built for yourself. I respect, accept and admire you too much for that. I was raised well, and taught to do what is right even when nobody is looking. I think we have that in common. I take pride in that - in a weird culturally protestant way - I believe morals keep society from falling apart. I would rather sacrifice my own happiness than stand in anyone’s way. And I think you can «love» someone by doing what’s best for them. I’m trying my absolute best to do what’s best for you. I hope you see that - that I’m not trying to cross any personal or professional boundaries. That I pull back and deflect when you ask the most daring questions. That I do not confide in you about my loves, my dreams, my trauma, my past lives. That I do not tell you about the difficult decisions I will have to make within the next months about love and legacy. About how close I actually am to marrying the wrong man.

If you were to ask me what I selfishly want though, it would be you. Just a night on a couch, your feet in my lap, with a bottle of wine and a record player. And deep down, I think you already know.