I am straight guy, but sometimes I fall in love with other guys

I am 21 years old now. I see myself as heterosexual man, because girls make me sexually aroused. Now I don’t get sexual arousal from guys, even in imagination. However, some cases made me think that something wrong with me; I could have sympathy towards my male friends. I never confessed it to someone, but I want to share my story here.

First time I have ever fallen in love deeply and secretly wasn’t girl, but my male classmate when we were 11 years old. I kept it secretly, because I live in Kazakhstan. Confession of this kind of things is sui€ide here. I had dream about him while sleeping and I realised that I like him. I was shy kid and I felt strange feeling in my stomach when I was seeing him in school.

Approximately in 7th-8th grades I had sympathy towards another guy, but it was moderate.

When I was in 9th grade, I fell in love with another close friend of mine. I think it was the strongest feeling of love I have ever had. I had dreams where he was kissing me. I liked when he dominated me. He seemed very brutal for me during those times. When he was hugging me or touching somehow, it was one of the best pleasures of my lifetime. Even when we had conflicts, I liked how he beaten me. I had very weird fantasies where he made me pregnant. I know, it was messed up. But human fantasies do not have limits. I had sexual fantasies about him and he is the first guy whom I imagined very sexual things and felt arousal. The problem was that I became dependent on him, I was feeling jealousy when he spent time with other friends, some girls. Sometimes he didn’t invite me to hangouts, which made me sad. Also, he fell in love with one girl classmate and it was breaking my heart till the school graduation. After graduation, we started talking less, we studied in different universities, I fell in love with one girl (Not reciprocally, but this is another story). I forgot him.

Now, I am doing my Master’s degree and I have a classmate with whom I finished Bachelor degree. We were not close friends, but we started sharing similar classes, talking more and I realised that I like him. I have some strange feeling in my stomach when i see him or when he touches my shoulders, arms etc. Sometimes we went home from lessons together and I noticed when I was with him, my mood was becoming much better. He is a muscular, brutal guy with a beard. It broke my heart that he made close friends with other classmates, but i am just a regular classmate for him. I have jealousy when he talks or sits with girls or other guys. I had fantasies where we were gay couple and he dominates me.

Overall, I see myself as a heterosexual guy. But these cases show that I can have romantic feeling towards some guys. But girls are the ones who sexually satisfy me. What do you think about this? Am I bisexual, gay? Or Special one?)