hate and love it

Writing some thoughts down. Obviously I don't Love the fact that I feel the need to show my pain and release stress that way. It's been tough lately, if I'm not stressing out about finances I'm arguing with family or wondering what to do with my life. I get anxiety attacks almost daily, I'm jittery and feel tension in my body with no apparent reason. _ _ I see my healed arms and legs daily and think "well I made it this far and there's no fresh cuts, gotta keep it going", _ but at the same time my brain always tells me I wish there were more cuts, or when an injury heals and fades it makes my struggle less real. _ I worked out a strategy and something like a manual that I go through when I want to sh. So far it worked and haven't sh'ed in 3 weeks. I want to put in effort, I wanna show that I can get better. But in my mind it doesn't feel like getting better, or that I even want to get better. Then I feel bad for thinking that way, and that makes the urges stronger. _ It's gotten so far i even plan it out in my head with detail, like for example what I can do when I'm around my parents so they won't notice.The thought that I shouldn't do this at all, especially with people around doesn't even cross my mind. And that scares me