Feeling generally hated as a straight male sub

Hi, just to preface this I’m not trying to make this a competition about who has it worse and I’m not saying that none of this applies at all to female or other subs, and I’m not trying to make it seem like male subs are so much more righteous than dommes or anyone else. It honestly feels like bad behavior across the board is really common in this community, I’m just relaying the specifics of how I’ve experienced this.

I’m 6 years into this and really deciding engaging with BDSM at all is really, really bad for my mental health. I’m not talking about how hard it is to find a domme which is a wholly different conversation, but just the pervasive culture of hate and unfairness towards male subs. Even the vast majority of dommes who only dom male subs hate us. Even dommes who say they have loving male sub partners hate us.

Please don’t assume that by me bringing these up that the majority of my BDSM experience has been online, these are just really illustrative examples, but Femdomcommunity is pretty much a hate sub. Even on BDSMcommunity when dommes come to vent they’re supported but when male subs come with identical or similar issues they’re scolded and lectured and people make irrational assumptions about them based solely on a desire to be cruel. Half of the profiles on Fet from dommes are literally intentionally in a yelling tone (I’m not trying to be dramatic but it’s always paragraphs and paragraphs and paragraphs of scolding usually in all caps) that make you feel like you’ve done something wrong before you’ve even thought about approaching.

And you can only meet people online because at munches and events male subs who don’t know anyone there are pretty much persona non grata, no matter how kind and polite and well behaved we are. Everyone kind of agrees male subs are scum and that that justifies any and all instances of treating us like scum.

If we’re talking to someone new and we don’t fit their preferences, they scold us for being a fake sub before we’ve even negotiated play or a dynamic. I’m not talking about people online but 100% definitely real, sometimes locally known, people who are looking to meet in person. How are we supposed to know what they consider a fake sub if there’s nothing indicating that on their profile?

They’re so incredibly capricious, callous, belittling, and rude, and you never know what will set them off. They’re primed to view everything I say with suspicion, and just wanting to negotiate limits is seen as topping from the bottom. If we set limits, actually trying to enforce them in play means I’m trying to dictate the scene with a script.

We’re just viewed as worthless, lazy, ugly, pathetic. I don’t understand why they HATE the thing they’re attracted to so much. And I say thing because they do not view us as people. Sometimes (most times) it seems like the POINT of femdom is to break down someone’s self esteem and turn them into a shell of a person.

And they’re so MEAN about lack of experience. I have some experience but no amount is ever enough, no type is ever enough. It’s fine to have preferences but at 24 years old they act like there must be seriously wrong with me if a domme has never chosen me longterm. And I don’t wanna open my past sexual experiences to the panopticon of a complete stranger who’s primed to hate and judge me when most of those experiences have been bad or extremely traumatic. It’s such an absurd and cruel expectation.

And I’m not saying I’ve never had any positive experiences. But both of them were with switches. Literally every domme I’ve had sexual experiences with who was not a switch has been extremely interpersonally cruel, rude, and hateful at best. I’ve met seemingly kinder dommes outside the context of a dynamic or play, but in terms of actual kink this is my experience.

Our consent isn’t valued. If literally anything is ever even for a moment about our needs, that’s a cosmic crime. I’m not asking for gentle femdom. I’m not asking for any specific kind of anything, any specific kink, any scene, I don’t care. I’ve never been interested in dictating anything, what I’m into more than anything is losing control to someone else so they can do what they enjoy. I just wanna play or have a relationship with someone who cares about my safety and doesn’t act like they hate me.

I don’t know how coherent this post is, I just needed to get that out. I honestly feel like there isn’t a place for straight male subs. This community is genuinely rotten and I don’t know why anyone in my position with any self-respect would engage with it. It’s unfathomable to me that I did for so many years, even with major breaks. I don’t expect anyone here to fix the culture, I just want someone to tell me that I’m not crazy.