Help, how do I stand ground against an old abuser with out wrecking Bride’s day

Hello potatoes,

I need help in how to stand ground against an ex and possible flying monkeys. (Sorry for any spelling and grammar I’m dyslexic and digraphic)

Background lore/context: Bride is an uni buddy of mine. We were in the same speculative writing magazine and help edit each other’s books. We’ve known each other for about 14 years but have gotten closer over the past few after reconnecting. Bride invited me to the wedding and I was delighted if a bit terrified about running into a third alumni of our uni of witch craft and whittling.

See for my 4 years of uni I was dating a gal (now possibly they) we shall call Wurst (because I just drove 9 hours and am hungry.) Wurst was my first w/w relationship and at first all was fine but as any survivor of abuse will tell you it didn’t last. There were chips of it in uni. Shoving me around in ‘panic attacks’ that always seemed timed for right when I was about to go do something solo. Negging at things, pressuring me to be in an open relationship (but somehow everyone else I liked was ‘bad’ unless they also liked them). Crying about how they were going to be a statistic of how abused people abuse people and having me assure them that they weren’t abusive. Little things that piled and piled until the big things weren’t a surprise anymore. To everyone outside Wurst was sweet and loving as they would do grand public gestures and people said we were ideal. I feel like an idiot but I did stay and we moved in together with a 3rd friend French Fry after graduation. There it kept getting worse. I had to spend 2 hours comforting Wurst after an incredibly reserved bud didn’t immediately compliment Wurst’s boobs in an underwire bra. I wasn’t allowed to become a firefighter because we didn’t have marriage equality at the time and “I won’t get any money if you die”. After one year post grad, i had become “too depressed” and needed to “fix it with in a week, or we’re done”. Potatoes, a week to the day that was thrown down was my birthday. Worst of all Wurst raped me at least once in the middle of the night. I woke up to them on top of me and it took multiple shoves to get them off. When I’d tried to talk about it the next day it was laughed off as a “Oh I thought you’d like that.” I used to be a heavy sleeper and have never gotten closure on if that was the only time or not. I didn’t end up leaving, I was dumped and at the time heartbroken.

It took a few more months for the rose color glasses I had superglued on to crack and for me to realize my mother was right. All of my friends that weren’t mutualism from uni were right. My Dad was right. My siblings were right. Wurst was the worst.

Originally I had tried to reach out and tell a few people but I was never believed, and each time they picked Wurst over me or I was stopped part way threw and told “I want to maintain a friendship with both of you, so don’t say anything to drag me into a fight.” It wasn’t a fight. I just wanted to be heard, and supported. But between the two of us I was the one with the more vocal temper to the outside world. If anyone had been cruel it would never be Wurst. Not charming sweet Wurst. French Fry just looked at me and said “If you were abused why didn’t you leave?” And when told about the late night crime time, with all the spine of a scoop of ice cream on the Arizona sidewalk said “well its just to hard to be friends with both of you.” And left. Another said things along the lines of ‘lesbian abuse doesn’t happen.’ Another said Wurst was telling people I had abused them.

So I stopped telling people. I got a fantastic therapist and some anti-depressants. Blocked Wurst, French Fry and a few of the more openly Wurst sided uni crowed. It’s been like ten years and I haven’t had the misfortune of seeing Wurst at all.

Back to now. Bride is among the majority I never told. A few times early in I thought I could muster up the marrow and ask Bride if Wurst was coming but each time I tried I just couldn’t. I couldn’t take that risk in not being believed again. It wasn’t even that I thought Bride would want to stay friends with someone that had been as shitty as a colostomy bag on the other end of a lactose-intolerant man after a pound of Wisconsin’s finest. It was just that the moment would be there and then I would just freeze. I had trusted everyone else I’d told.

I snuck around it by asking how many of our club members were coming. Found out Wurst was not in the count. Got a plus one. Everything was gravy. Then everything was not. In short order I found out one of the biggest Wurst supporters was coming, Wurst was possibly also coming, and my pulse one got sick and could not come.

I made the drive alone at 2am after shit sleep. Panic attacks will keep you up but they don’t help you plan calm collected exit strategies.

I don’t want to make a scene. I don’t want to look like a pissy ally cat about to scratch everyone’s eyes out or however this can look to outside people. I should be over this. It’s been like 10 years. But the idea of seeing Wurst again or needing to field questions on people that could report back to Wurst has me terrified the same way I was when I fully realized what I had waisted five years in. I’m so sick of being scared.

I want to think that even the Wurst support team wouldn’t bother with me but Wurst once dropped that they knew my work location and shifts two years post brake-up after a long time of no contact to one of my friends they didn’t know. This was a whole new job that they should have never even heard of.

What are some quick comebacks or deflections I can use? Honestly I might be over thinking this, but I’m worried about going in with no plan, getting confronted, and then snapping in a very messy fashion. I can’t ask Bride if Wurst truly is coming this close to the wedding as that’s bringing problems to the bride. I truly don’t know if there is a plan to be had or if I just needed to say all this somewhere. I do feel a little better after writing this all out. IDK. Help?