Found partner’s secret Reddit account - need advice

Hi everyone, I (36F) discovered this week that my partner (34M) of 5 years (engaged) has a secret Reddit account he’s been using to message people about meeting up for sex since July. It seems like he found them from local r4r subs based off of their post history and sent private messages to meet. Some of them agreed and sent him their addresses, phone numbers or socials.

I can’t tell if he ever actually went to those places, but I saw on his Google Maps timeline that he looked up all of the addresses at the time and date they were sent to him. There’s no clear proof his car went to any of those locations, but I can’t shake the doubt.

For added context, I’ve been suffering through a low period since around May. I was struggling with addiction (I’ve been sober for a month now!) and pretty withdrawn and depressed during that time, not very affectionate or engaging. I’d been feeling disconnected for months during this time, and while I was pulling away from everyone in my depression, I felt him pulling away from me too. But I had no energy or drive to talk about it.

Now that I am sober and getting better mentally, my suspicion got the best of me, and I looked at his phone. I’m not proud of it but I do plan to tell him the truth about that when I confront him.

I haven’t said anything yet. I’ve been crying on and off, blaming it on my depression even though I’ve been getting better because I wasn’t ready to talk about what I found yet. But because of the crying, he’s been extra kind and gentle with me lately, which makes it even harder to keep composure.

I’m planning to talk to him next week after my kids go to their dad’s so they don’t overhear or have to be around any potential weirdness. It broke me to see him mention them in some of those messages: things like “waiting for the kids to go to sleep” or “waiting for my girl to fall asleep” before he’d be able to leave the house. But again, no proof of whether he actually went or not.

Part of me wonders if this was just fantasy role-play with strangers, but it’s hard to believe that when he was also messaged someone during his lunch break on a day that he actually went into the office (we both wfh) 45 mins from home. That to me seems more like he was actually intending to do it than just role-playing in the middle of the night. Also if it was just role-play, why not just go to a sexting or role-play sub? He went to ones for actually meeting up.

I may never know with 100% certainty if he ever actually did go to meet any of them (he could lie when we talk) but nonetheless, all I want is the truth.

I still love him, but I feel betrayed, heartbroken, and have lost my trust. I just wish he hadn’t done any of this. I don’t know if this counts as cheating, or if I should try to rebuild, or if I should just walk away. I know his replies and reactions will factor heavily into my decision.

Anyway I’d really appreciate some advice as I gather my thoughts and write them down along with my questions so I can say everything that I want to.

• How would you approach the conversation?

• What are some questions I should ask him when we do eventually talk about this? I have a good list already but curious if there are others that I haven’t thought of

• Why are your thoughts in general about this? If he never did anything physically would you still consider that cheating?

• Is there anything I’m not thinking of or preparing for?

Any tips or ideas on how I can approach this or phrase my words to hopefully not put him on the defensive and therefore more likely to lie? I’m just looking for the truth - I think I deserve that much. Sorry for the long post, and thanks for reading.

Tl;dr - discovered partner’s secret Reddit account used to private message users from local r4r subs to meet for sex (though unsure if acted upon), and looking for advice on how to approach confrontation