Somehow back at it again

Yes, i try to end myself, again and again. Failed, and thinking i should live. But failed harder.

I dont know what to do, what to choose, what to follow.

Tried having a part time during college, but parent doesn't want me to. Now my result sucks and unable to find work, my family makes my life a hell.

It always brings me back to think what if of my past life every single night. What if i just start working and didnt go to college, what if i really work on part time etc.

Now the school loan is biting my savings harshly, I even wanted to sell all my organs and blood to pay back the loand and buy a cheapest dead settings. But there is no option in this country.

Many country starts to hit low on child birth. Works are hard and pay low. Only those who are on top gets to eat.

All death guide or way are swiped off the internet, because they need the rat to keep alive. Labor like an ant in anthill.

Life is never happy, its just a hell. I wish every single night i open my eyes, a devil reach out to me. I want to exchange all my lifespan to end my life.

People saying you can do what you want is because they have a good live. And never be chained by life itself, responsibility or family. I cant breath even with air. The air feels even more dense than water. Sometimes i can dream of me dead, and finally reach peace, but waking up by parents brutally makes me feels even more pain. I really doesnt want to wake up. At all.

I know its not my parent fault for having me. Im the one sperm thst tried it's best to reach womb. Im the one who should be blamed. But i just can't push myself at anything anymore.

When home isn't even your utopia, the place you want to be the most, you have no place to go. I don't blame the world, I'm thankful to my family. But i can no longer try again.