Long distance situation (M26/F24) + my first time with a girl I really love.

Hello everyone.

So, I (M26) know this girl (F24) for a while. About a year ago she was in a terrible mental state after a long time relationship, ending up in having a couple of hookups. But she was sexually into me, and lot, so we talked for about a month, until one night she had an emotional breakdown, and the next day she disappeared for a year. She even got into a relationship just a week later.

Fast forward a year later, she reached out to me when a relative of mine passed away. We kept talking and she told me she's in therapy after attempting suicide. I really noticed that she was different, not only in how she communicated and didn't act obsessive/toxic but also in sexual stuff, she was into very hardcore stuff and now she said it was all trauma response and didn't want any of this anymore. So i gave it a chane. and this kept on for about 3 weeks when she told me she always had a soft spot for me and that she has fallen for me. She didn't ask me to forgive her for her absence, she just said that it's one of the greatest mistakes she has done and that she will regret it for her entire in life. A lot of romantic stuff has been said during that month, and she showed a very consistent self, also, she has never lied to me, not even before her therapy, she's at least a honest person.

I visited her a week ago, stayed in her city for 4 days. I really didn't have in my mind that we would have sex at all, because of some sporadic fights over texting and my anxiety of not being enough. First date, she was literally trembling when I touched her hand (with consent) and would smile uncontrollably, then we kissed, in public, something she doesnt do because she doesnt like public affection, and asked me if I wanted to go to her place. She caught me off guard and I was hesitant at first. But then we went to her place. Stupid of both of us but it happened without protection, despite me having an erection during the kissing, when the sex started I got soft after 4-5 pumps. We changed positions and then she realised it and said its okay, i know, anxiety, and we kept kissing and foreplaying. Next day, I lasted a bit longer (with protection), but again, I got soft, I was also thinking about the night earlier almost the entire day before she came to my place. Every day was a bit better, but I still would go soft. I noticed also it happened mostly after we changed positions. On the last night she got a bit offended because she thought it has about her. But I told her that I'm anxious, that I want to give her my best, she understood, sat on top of me, kissed and liked my face and then, I got a proper erection and we both even finished, with her smiling and saying "finally". I really love her, genuinely and unconditionally, I care about her, and this gave me extra anxiety because I wanted to satisfy her, it was my first time, and she already had 8. And I also gave her an orgasm each night just by going down on her. I didn't ask her to go down on me, since she's in therapy and told me she doesn't do this except if she really feels like it because she had traumatic experiences. But on the last night she ended up going down on me, and I noticed this really helped my erection. Also, this all happened on her period, and on the peak of her pains and bleeding she still let me go down on her, being hesitant at first, she said "f*ck it" and pushed her panties to the side.

The morning I left, she cried, I cried, she sketched me and her inside a heart and wrote "I love you, until we meet again". We still text daily, bit drier and this has caused fights, but still present, and yesterday, during our call she told me she would like to see me again this month and started crying about how my absence is causing her pain and the circumstances suck, and while falling asleep she told me that she loves me. But, both of us know since the beginning that our chances of being together are very dim. Different countries, with no possibility or plans for me to move back to my homecountry (to her).

It's a very difficult situation, and I don't know how to handle this. I will and want to visit her, maybe one last time, because the first time was perfect. But I feel anxious not only over my sexual performance (note: I have anxiety in general and watch porn) but also over how I should handle her dry texts from time to time and the whole situation. Any ideas ?

TL;DR We know each other for almost three years, mainly over texting but we're from the same city. I live abroad. We got sexually close about a year ago. She then disappeared due mental health issues. Came back now during therapy, different person, evolved into something romantic. Situation still unclear.