I (21M) lost the only girl who truly cared about me, and I can’t move on

I just need to let this out because it’s been eating me alive. I’m a 21-year-old guy, Christian. I met this Muslim girl back in 2023 on Snapchat — totally random. At first, we were just strangers texting late at night. She was kind of dry and strict, and I didn’t really have any intentions with her. But after a few nights of talking from 11 PM to 4 AM, it slowly became something I looked forward to every day.

After a couple of months, I caught feelings and told her. She rejected me gently — said she saw me as her best friend and didn’t want to lose me. That hurt, but I didn’t want to lose her either, so I said I’d stay as her friend. Still, things got weird for a bit, and I tried to leave. She came back after a few hours, like nothing happened, and we got close again.

We used to talk daily, no matter what. We laughed, cried, argued, and sometimes stopped talking — but always came back. When my grandma passed away, I was completely broken, but she was there for me. She literally kept me alive during that time. She knew how deeply I loved her, but her religion wouldn’t allow her to accept it.

Months went by. I became toxic. I’ll admit that. I got jealous, controlling, and made her cry too many times. I was scared of losing her, and that fear made me push her away. She finally left.

Later, I moved to Canada. I thought that was the end, but one day I texted her again — and to my surprise, she replied. I can’t describe the happiness I felt. In a new country, away from everyone, she was the only one who made me feel like I wasn’t alone. We became close again.

Then one day she said, “I need to tell you something.” I was scared — thought she was leaving or had someone else. But instead she said, “The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” (which means I love you). That was one of the happiest moments of my life.

But life got harder again. My health went down, I was struggling in Canada, and my toxic side started coming back. We argued again and again until one day she said, “Okay, bye.” And that was it.

She made a fake account later and talked to me again, but after a month she left for good. Now I just feel empty. I miss her every day. I cry more than I’d like to admit. She wasn’t just a girl — she was my person.

I know I messed up, I know religion and distance made it impossible, but I can’t stop wishing things were different. Everything reminds me of her. I feel like my life lost its color since she left.

I just needed to get this off my chest.