ugly dumb all of the above, the only thing keeping me alive is wanting to ruin myself.

I haven't lived– as far as I'm concerned, I'm a 15-year-old with no life outside of being perfectly "religious". I wear my heavy hijabs, I read the books, I try to fake it. I've done nothing and have no real-life experiences, so the only reason I'd want to live is to see myself fail. do the worst things possible, be a spectator of my own life. After all, I am worth nothing. Everyone else is pretty and not absolutely disgusting to look at. They can see themselves, and not vomit. If they don't have that, then they're smart, articulate, emotionally intelligent, and cause no fucking burdens. The things they regret are usually minor. ik no one is perfect, and the grass could possibly be a little sorrowful looking but i still cant help but think. this is all ive ever done. as a kid, it was wishing so badly to be the white girls with autonomy, and now all i want is to be nothing because i am nothing. just a fucking dumbass who deserves all the worst. in fact, i would prefer to be murdered, if asked what is my ideal way to go.