I just can’t stop hoping for the best. Even though our situation is absolutely f*cked.

Hi hello, yes I’m tragic and desperate, I know everything I’m feeling and doing is textbook “spouse of an addict” behaviour … but venting helps right ? Quick roundup of my situation … •Been with my BF 7 years •First 3 were romcom movie level amazing- my soulmate, we adored each other. He was not using •Last 4 years I picked up on the personality and lifestyle shift and couldn’t put my finger on what was happening - instincts told me drugs but I had no proof •6 months ago finally caught him red handed smoking meth in shed . I hugged and loved him out of the shame of being caught and said “we got this” •progression of his downward spiral happened quickly •3 months ago it reached paranoia/aggression and eventually physical violence ( didn’t hit me but flew off the handle grabbed my face/torr the house up/ scratched his face and said he was going to the police to report ME for it . I called police, they arrested him on the spot. Fuck. We’ve been apart from each other since and there’s been waves of him saying “I hate you ..you’re out to get me.. to … “I love you , crying on my shoulder and telling me he’s in pain” So… I’m obviously absolutely broken, feel deminished, going thru heartache and missing him and what we once had and the all consuming thoughts that come with loving an addict. My questions .. I guess.. are. • when he lashes out and says the “I hate you/you’re scum/I blame you for everything “ speech - I inherently know he hates himself and is projecting, but , does he know he’s hurting me during these periods ? Can he feel my heartbreak ? After said “hate fueled rage”, days later he will be soft and gentle and loving and emotional, love me and be happy to converse with me… this is normal Addict behaviour right? How deep into addiction does he have to be to be in this state ? And clearly that’s a sign he’s still using am I right ? • during his lashing out stages he is SO paranoid of me, and truly believes i am “out to get him and ruin his life” and goes to great lengths to tell me he doesn’t trust me… it hurts more than anything . He has pushed most people out of his life and both his parents died 3 years ago .. so it’s just me .. it’s all on me .. I am the punching bag, but also the soft pillow to lay on. As an empathetic person ~ all I see is PAIN thru these different versions of himself, and all I want to do is help him SOMEHOW - ( bc there is literally nobody else for him to go to- and I cannot foresee him trying to help himself the right way) I don’t know how I can help…. I don’t want to smother him or enable him but I don’t want to give up on him. • I have remained calm and loving and kind thru every version of himself, hoping that that consistency will pay off in the end and he will come back to me… clearly I know I sound tragic - but I cannot cope with the thought of losing him and the thought of life without him being clean and sober ( for himself and for us ) is genuinely killing me. I dont want to be forgettable, I dont want him to hate me , but I know I can’t control any of this. Do I just have to wait this out and hope that he will remember our once beautiful love and how much we adored each other ??? I know I need to love him from afar right now, but the anxiety of him forgetting me is all consuming .. yes I’m in therapy, but I JUST CANT STOP HOPING FOR THE BEST…. Even tho this situation is absolutely horrible . I miss him so deeply. I hope he misses me too and finds clarity.

Ps .. sorry that was disgustingly long.