Now I finally understand what 'it could get worse' means

I've had a couple of 'worst days of my life' and every time it really felt that way. I only remember a few like the day I was diagnosed with AVN in both hips at 13, or the day dad was bitterly telling mom that we couldn't afford surgery, or the day my sister was thought to have a brain tumor and the doctors opened her skull and they told us they removed a benign tumor and that we didn't need to worry, but we later found out it wasn't the case when spent two weeks in ICU due to a ruptured AVM the doctors knew about but never told us. Or maybe the day some hospital staff humiliated me and my sisters accusing us of defamation. They left my sister lying on a surgical table for over an hour in nothing but a paper gown. She was fasting the whole day and once she woke up after surgery the nice nurse asked me to take her to the bathroom and of course she passed out on the toilet seat because she wasn't supposed to stand. And I was asked to carry her out. Now that might seem like the worst day ever, but no... Not even close

Well, it could be one of the days (there are so many) on which my brother was having a manic episodes (I have 2 bipolar siblings) like thr day he set the house on fire, or tried to strangle my sister. Maybe I stupidly thought breaking a few phones or a brand new TV, or being scared for my life was the worst of your problems. Looking back now those days feel like a walk in the park.

But one of the hottest days in August beat them all. I woke up thinking 'well here's another boring summer day'. God! Boredom is really a blessing. You have no idea how lucked you are when you're bored. You're healthy, you're fine, you don't have actual problems that burden you and that's why you're bored. I wish It was only boredom I felt that day. It was Wednesday, my father (who preferred to live in the countryside) used to visit us on Wednesdays. But the night before I called him and he said he wasn't going to because of the weather. That would've worked for everyone and I would've spent the day cursing the heat. But stupid as I was, I had to beg him until he changed his mind. He was home by 7 a.m. By 10, he was unconscious on his way to ICU. 4 broken ribs, one of them pierced his lung, a brain hemorrhage, a concussion and a foot that was almost severed from his body.

30 days in a coma. I was the last person in my family who ever spoke to him. I was the last one to see him alive and my last words to him were 'did you take your phone?'. I thought it was a day just like any other. That's how things were for over 10 years. We used to see him once or twice a week for 2 to 3 hours. And now he's gone and it's all my fault no matter what everyone says. He wasn't going to visit that day.

I can't even describe how I feel. When I'm alone that last phone call and those few moments are all I can think of. My mind keeps running over and over again until I feel like it's going to explode. Every time I fall asleep I wake up thinking that he would be alive if it wasn't for me and then my chest tightens and I can't breathe. I wish it was me who died. Death would be so much better than this.

I don't know how longer I could take this pain. So yes, whatever you're going through, you have to be grateful even if you're not religious, because it could definitely get worse.