Finally!

After googling my entire pharmacy cupboard, I think I’ve got something.

Obviously I’m going to be doing a cocktail either way but, it feels good knowing you’ve got something that works.

Now I know what you might be thinking: "LiVeR FaiLure"

except because these medications make you drowsy and sleepy, ill sleep in a hanging mode.

I tried hanging myself from my bed but survival instincts kicked in (and it really hurts!) :/, now if I go unconscious and my weight just drops onto the belt, I won’t feel it (I hope, or at least will try my best to not chicken out)

I’m giving myself some time before doing it but I’m impatient, days aren’t getting any better and, my deadline (pun intended) being dec.3rd (as written in my letter) seems so far away.

To sum up my life :

-depressed since 12 because of shitty parents -unlovable as fuck -dropped out of college -friends are leaving/moving on with their great lives , parents and partners… -can’t find a job to get out of this shitty house.

All the doors are closing up on me, can’t even get a loved one that choses me and only me to feel worthy.

I’m really tired, really lonely and every time I try something to get out of this situation, it curdles.

I had found an internship in a travel agency, I was so happy! They were really nice but, last minute, the boss decided that they didn’t want to teach a newbie anymore, when I got hired on the spot because they really liked my profile!

To be fair, this was my last straw. I saw myself moving out, getting my driver’s license, going to relax at the beach whenever I wanted, decorating my cute apartment (I had even bought some kitchen ware as motivation) and although alone, living a decent life!

I really tried to leave, I tried school abroad, school here, and working. nothing worked out.

If I cannot live happy then I will simply not live at all. I gave myself this dead like to see if I would get everything (car, DL, apt, job, new friends, partner) I want in 2 months, 3 things you can get with money and 3 things that are luck based, as if the last 21 years weren’t proof that it wasn’t possible for me, but these will be my last months, obviously I will not be "trying", that doesn’t work. So I’ll just expect it to fall into my lap.

Best case scenario, it all happens and I’m happy, or I commit and I’m also happy.

I’ve seen a bunch of people relating to what I’ve been through on here, so I know I’m not crazy for feeling like this and that anybody failing this hard at the sick game of life would want to stop playing.

Worst/Best thing is, nobody knows I’m depressed, I’m bubbly, funny, chatty and outgoing, it’s just not enough to get what I want apparently, so It’ll be a "SURPRIIISE SHAWTY!" for everyone.

If you read all of this, you must be bored or relate hard af, so, I’m sorry either way!