The people I was closest to are both gone

This April my best friend of six years committed suicide. His death didn't feel real at first and took some time to fully set in because I couldn't believe he was gone. He had helped me through the darkest periods of my life and was always there for me. I saw him as a brother and would speak to him practically every day since I was eleven. I spoke to my boyfriend at the time about it and he helped me navigate my feelings the best he could.

A few months later I was admitted to an out of state ward for treatment of my eating disorder. It was an emotionally devastating experience, especially since I was only able to speak with the people working there and my mother who I have a rough relationship with. I had several breakdowns and my best friend was constantly on my mind. A breakdown could start about gaining weight, then shift to him, then missing my boyfriend, then to being groomed and used in my past. It was like every bad thing that had ever happened to me was there at once.

I was there for a little over a month and when I was released I still had to follow an extremely strict dieting program that did not allow me to leave my home or do much of anything besides eat and sit on a couch. I was also banned from speaking to my therapist. To make things worse, less than a week back at home my boyfriend's parents discovered our relationship. They threatened to ban him from going to college if he stayed with me and we both agreed that it would be best if we broke up. I haven't seen him since. This all happened so quickly that it essentially broke me mentally. I don't think I've fully recovered since.

I'm no longer on the dieting program but every day is the same regardless. I wake up, go downstairs, eat breakfast, cry and rest, eat lunch, try and suppress my emotions only to cry again, and then have an argument with my mother about not eating enough only to have dinner and cry myself to sleep. It has been this way for months with no change in sight.

This week in particular was especially rough for me. I have a few online friends but none of them are particularly close to me. They all very clearly have their own webs of friends that I'm not part of and basically never go out of their way to talk to me. Whenever I reach out to them they are disinterested or just ignore me. The few irl friends I had all moved away for college. The only people I really had were my best friend and boyfriend. And now they're both gone. I've been back in therapy but it hasn't helped. I have two sessions a month and this week my therapist canceled last minute without explanation. My mother also forced me out to dinner with my family and I was a miserable asshole to everyone and brought down the mood. I make everyone uncomfortable because of how obviously depressed I am.

It feels like my life has fallen apart and there's nothing I can do to stop myself from going further down. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt this alone and sad. I miss them both so much but there's nothing I can do to make things better. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm hurting everyone else around me because of it.