Cain's story

Hello. I want to tell a story. Well, it's about me and my life. Where should I start? I'm almost 20 years old and... I don't know what to say. Let me say that I don't like my life. In fact, I am a man who constantly wears a mask on my face. In front of friends, relatives, family, close friends, and basically, this process continues to the point where there is a specific mask for everyone. The mask shows an aspect of me that each person wants to see. And even though this mask sometimes loosens and almost falls off, in my solitude, before anyone can figure anything out, I quickly fix it because I know no one will like what they see behind that mask and they will leave me alone. Because I know if I were myself, I couldn't even tolerate myself either. I'm gradually forgetting my real self.

I remember I used to believe in God, I believed in my future, I believed in life, but now... so many things are gradually tiring me out right now. Death no longer scares me because I know it's an eternal sleep where I only see the dreams I want. In fact, I somewhat believe in that famous quote that says bringing someone into the world against their will is a crime, because now, looking at it, I never wanted to be born. Every day is just another tedious day, and now, as time passes, I have less time to spend with myself. On one hand, there's work and university, and on the other hand, there are classes I'm forced to take so that maybe in the future I can just survive because of them, like laptop repair and English classes. On top of that, I hate my body and face, and I thought about going to the gym, but then I thought again that even now I have little time in the day for playing [games], and with adding a few other small things, my life gets completely tangled up and I basically never have any freedom left.

It's true that all of this will eventually end, sooner or later, but I don't know if I'll be alive until then. Sometimes I think all of this is the result of my own thoughts and perspective on the world, because I'm still looking for a purpose in life. When I look at others, I see they have their work, family, love, or something to live for, but I still haven't found it. I have a few dreams that I really want to make happen, but with my own laziness and apathy, I gradually think they're not possible. For example, I want to release my own game one day, but I just don't have the patience to spend the small amount of time I can play in a day on learning. Or I want to buy a van so I can put a bed and sofa in it and travel the world, but with what money? Even choosing my future career is difficult for me. Among all these choices, which one should I choose that I'm both interested in and will be useful? And even if I do choose one, I'll get tired of it after a while because I don't like monotonous work. I was thinking about starting YouTube, but again, I don't have the patience for learning or editing a video. I'm gradually losing interest in everything, and I'm reaching the conclusion more and more that everything needs money, which I don't have.

Right now I'm working at my father's shop, which I don't like at all, which is why I get home at 5 PM, and until I sleep, I have 6 hours of free time. And on other days when I don't go to work, I have university, with 5 back-to-back classes, so I come home tired again. And on weekends, I have to attend my classes outside of university. I think I'm a depressed person whom no one understands, who has a different view of everything, and this is bad for me because science has proven there is only one of each person, and finding someone who matches me is very rare. Even if it is found, I don't see a reason for them to want to be with me, because I no longer believe in true love and I know they can't fill the hole that gets deeper every day, so they'll eventually leave me too.

I can't talk to anyone about these things because I'm not good at talking, and they might think I'm a wrong person, the kind parents say to stay away from. It doesn't all just rely on this; I feel like I have a mental illness or disorder because one day I'm very happy and the next day I'm depressed and lethargic. It's kind of like I understand all the sorrows of the world. I cry for someone who lost their parents, for a girl who was raped, for someone who hates their life, for a person who has no love or was betrayed. People show me videos about men who don't cry, or bodybuilders like David Goggins, or boxers to cheer me up, but my question is, aren't we human? Don't humans cry? So this means everyone cries, but I still don't know where the depth of this sadness comes from.

I know you want to say "talk to a counselor," but I know they can't do anything for me, and of course, I don't have the money to pay them. I really like a quote from Rick Sanchez, who says in another language, "I am in great pain, please help me," but no one takes him seriously because he says it within his humorous dialogue in a way that no one understands.

From another person's perspective, maybe my life isn't that bad, because my life is like any other student who both works and studies and is thinking about their future. But on the other hand, being me is hard. Having my mindset and my laziness is hard.

By saying all this, I remembered an interesting quote: "It sucks to be you." Now, if someone is reading this text, there are several aspects. Either they'll call me names like "gay" and "pussy" and say "life is hard for everyone" and humiliate me further, like "yeah, just end your life," or a person who just writes one hopeful sentence and goes on with their life, maybe you are a person who jokes that I'm not reading all that or those who say "return to God," but I don't think there is a God in a world full of sorrow and despair. That's why I'm not interested in talking to people and don't want to talk to a counselor. Yeah, they give you a little hope, but then they go back to their own lives. For example, right now I'm playing the role of a child with cancer that they try to make laugh a little so I survive a bit longer, or a warrior who, after years of fighting, is tired—maybe because I play too much Soulsborne games.

Maybe now, after all my talk, you've become a little sad and worried for me, or maybe you don't care at all. But I wanted to say, don't worry. I would like to die in a snowy place where my blood slowly leaves my body, but I don't want to endure the pain, so maybe I'll stay alive a little longer. On the other hand, I'm also curious to see if I can finally gain some strength and continue or not.

Thank you for listening to my story.