I just lost my FP, and I feel like a real monster

I think I need help on this one... At the beginning of the week, my PF exploded and ended our relationship... I have had repeated attacks for several weeks or even months, despite the drug treatments (which are really not strong enough and which are not the right ones) and despite my exit from dialectical behavioral therapy. And there it was too much for him, we ruined each other's lives because of our respective problems, and he no longer had responsibility for my mental balance... Except I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the worst bitch, like someone selfish who took the person she cared about the most as an emotional punching bag... I made her experience all the worst atrocities that can be done to someone without even realizing it, by giving the pretext that "I'm sick, you have no choice but to help me." Except that now it's too late to apologize, to try to fix things... I feel like a monster, to whom everything that happens to him is deserved, and I can't move forward, I even regress enormously. I'm cutting myself off from my other friends, afraid of doing the same thing to them... I lost all my bearings and my essential reason for living by losing him... He tells me that as long as I don't get better, that as long as I don't live for myself and not through him, we won't talk again, but I'm afraid of never getting through it without him, that my life has no meaning if he's not present... I understand his desire for distance, even on one side I'm for it, but ptn I have the impression of dying a little more each day that passes without news from him.. And it hasn't even been a week.. Does anyone have any advice on becoming a better person? I'm trying to treat myself as best I can by taking medications and going to the shrink, but I still feel like I'm not really a good person in general because of this stupid disorder...