im at a loss

so basically i have way too much shit going on and i just can't handle it all anymore and im out of ideas to help myself since new years night my dad has been having a proper relationship with one of my good mates, but he was still with my mum. it's really bugging me because anytime we hung out with her afterwards i could tell something was going on but i felt so helpless and disgusting, he was always very emotionally abusive towards me and i had alot of problems after that. honestly i think i just wanted my dad because he was never there for me, and to see him talking to her made me feel sick to my stomach, and honestly i didnt feel worthy of getting rid of this feeling. anyway my mum found out because my shrink contacted her concerned and said i was on the verge of a massive breakdown, my mum quizzed me and decided to contact the girl. turns out they were having a full relationship and she was underage in my country. i dont know how to feel, i mean ofc i feel betrayed by both of them, disgusted etc, but i also miss him even though i have no good memories of him from the past few years. since new years i knew deep down something was happening, but i just didnt want to believe it, my girlfriend saw it all happen too, she knew how he treated me and saw how he was with the girl. she's way more confrontational than me and one night we all got into a big argument over the girl. we made it clear we didnt want to see her and he was threatening to off himself because of it. my dad always said id never become anything and its my fault that im so unhappy and no one likes me, he asked me at 16 if im ready to move out yet when i was going through an insane amount of mental health stuff. i havent had good thoughts in a long time honestly, a couple years ago my gf started cheating on me with my cousin over text, i also knew since the start and i tried to get her to stop (i cried and sobbed and begged) but she always lied. after a while a started seeing hallucinations of my cousin and id hear voices of horrible things, i eventually had a full breakdown and my dad (before new years) made me break up with her. after a few days we got back together and she promised to never do anything like it again. anyway ofc it happened again. this time with basically my only friend. we were a trio and she started talking shit about me to him about my private stuff (mental health struggles, self harm, our arguments) and made herself out to be the victim and me to be this crazy insane partner, she took screenshots of our chats and completely lied about stuff (saying i told her to khs, which i would never do) anyway that friendship with him ended in him cutting me off on everything. but him and my gf still spoke. btw my gf denies all of this but i saw the messages myself. anyway a couple days ago apparently he messaged her saying "text me again when u get a life" and said nothing after, but apparently all the messages are deleted so i cant see? idk if its my raging trust issues but that just doesnt make sense, we were walking about town yesterday and he was glaring at us, so idk if there is some truth to it? i cant go into school anymore because of this, im seriously falling behind, ive thought about homeschooling but its really difficult in ireland and you cant get a job without the leaving cert. i really dont know what to do or how to help myself, ive dug myself into severe depression, i got prescribed heavy sleeping meds to help my insomnia but my adrenaline just won't let me sleep and i stay up overthinking. my gf wont really talk to me about deep stuff anymore bc she thinks its draining, i dont want to blame her for anything but like alot of these feelings are because of her actions, i try going out of my way to do stuff for her despite my depression (making her food, little gifts and crafts, messages) and im always complimenting her. but she never really compliments me back and she always leaves when im at my lowest. when we broke up shes the one who asked me out again. when we weren't together she actually looked at me longingly and chased after me, now i have to text first blah blah, she just won't do anything meaningful like that daily. she gets notions to do little things but she kinda constantly drags it up to use it as an excuse? I don't want to make it seem like im ungrateful but if i start getting upset around her (its not always about her either, im down quite a lot but she always says she understands when shes in a good mood), she will just leave and come back in a huff like "well i did this for you" but like?? i do appreciate what she does for me and maybe im just stuck in the past, what she did to me really does effect me, i never got to process what happened and i just constantly think about it. anytime i bring it up (which is never anymore honestly i kinda gave up) she basically plays the victim saying it hurts her too and she doesn't know why she did it, but like.. i gave her so many chances to stop and she knows i knew the entire time, i made it very obvious, she even said to him that she knew i knew. i just feel sick constantly and i never have an appetite, i had bad body images before but due to everything its gotten so much worse, im not really pretty or anything and i definitely don't feel like it, i also have no one in my life who really from the bottom of their hearts validates me. i really do love my girlfriend but i sometimes wish she was different, like she compliments me or does little things for me, i dont really know. im not sure if this sounds bad but i often just dream about a man hugging me or just telling me how amazing i am, i never told anyone this because idk if its like a bad thing to think about especially because of my girlfriend, idk what to do about that.

im sorry for my horrible storytelling and this random post, idek if this is the right sub to post this in, im pretty new to reddit but i read the rules and i think this is okay? i just have no one to talk to honestly and i can feel myself slipping. this isnt even everything going on right now and i could go into more detail but idk even if i could get some kind of guidance. i just feel so disgusting inside and i feel like no one likes me or finds me attractive in any way, i constantly have this pit in my stomach and for years ive just been in constant fight or flight. i could really use some guidance or just something honestly inspirational, just a kind message that actually means something. i have no one in my life anymore to ask me if im okay and i refuse to talk to a chatbot. im just so upset and i feel like ill never get better, idk if its possible to move past something like this? is there some kind of healing thing to let stuff go? im not into religion or anything. i hope i dont sound like im not telling the full story in this, ik not everyones perfect but i honestly have never done anything intentionally bad to anyone, i dont talk behind peoples backs or cheat or anything. again im sorry for my english (its my first language 😔) and id appreciate any advice, i can give more details if needed to come to conclusions, i just really don't know what to do anymore.