She's gone and I'm confused

My dearest wife of 9 years passed away today after facing aggressive cancer for almost 2 years. I love her dearly, she's the love of my life and the best human being that I have ever met.

Yet, I don't feel sad nor crushed. I feel normal and calm about 90% of the time. I get moments of sadness, uncontrollable sobbing, I allowed myself to scream a little when driving today.

But I don't feel the loss.

For over a year I knew I'll lose her eventually, since we learned that her cancer is platinum-resistant which made it very difficult to treat. She was fine after that for almost a year. Had a number of tumours, but they were stable both in number and size. Then in August they started growing and spreading rapidly. Her wellbeing was deteriorating quickly. A few weeks ago she was admitted to the hospital after having a seizure and suspected sepsis. That night we learnt that cancer has metastases to her brain. Everything went downhill from that moment. She got very weak, stopped eating most of the days, last week she couldn't stomach her pills anymore. On Monday she was admitted to palliative care unit, since yesterday she was unconscious, fighting for every breath, and this morning her body gave up.

I think my grief started a year ago. We were losing her little by little over the last few months. I was her primary care taker most of the time - took her to every appointment, scan, and treatment. For a long time most of our conversations revolved around her illness.

And now I don't know what I feel. A bit of sadness and loss for sure, but also some relief. I feel guilty about how I feel. I miss her, but I have been already missing her for a long time.

Are my feelings valid? Is it still adrenaline and cortisol in my blood stream making me feel like I do? Am I a bad person? Did I truly love her if I feel like I do? Will the realisation of what I lost come later, it's just to early for my brain to process what happened? What's your experience? Can anyone relate to my feelings?

I know I need to talk to a psychologist, but that will come later and I need to know now.