Stream of consciousness vent. Likely a call for help.

I'm struggling. Ever since the breakup, I've been introspectively thinking about my friends and I thought that in this time of need, my true friends would make themselves known. Only one of them is actively checking up on me and I feel like I'm a burden to him because I'm not okay and I'm a mess right now and I worry that if I talk to him too much that he'll get bored of me and my situation and he won't want to be my friend anymore and he will just ghost me and stop responding. No one is checking up on me and a part of me feels like I kind of deserve that because I cheated. I've been criticised for the amount of sexual partners I've had ever had since the breakup but I'm lonely.

No one messages me. No one speaks to me. No one checks how I am. I will post things. I will message things. I will share my interests with the people I fought with my friends and no one reacts. No one responds. No one even takes the time to comment. Take an interest of the things I like and it's one-sided and it's not fair. Maybe I don't deserve sympathy. Maybe I don't deserve people's time but the less I get of it the more likely I am to spiral back into the dark place that I was in for 10 years, a place I was proud of getting out of so much that I took steps to completely change the person I was to reflect the person I should have been to probably the detriment of my relationship.

But now I'm heading back there and I don't know what to do. I've only told one person or two people about my dark thoughts and they responded by making it completely about themselves telling me the effect of me ending things would have on them and their well-being and their mental health, which is a completely backwards way to support someone going through depression. Do you honestly think that person with depression is going to believe you? When you say that, the person with depression is going to believe they know better than you and that the world will be a better place without them in it.

All they do is cause misery wherever they go. If I had never existed, Dan wouldn't have been cheated on. If I had never existed he might have been happy for the last 10 years with somebody else who could give him everything he ever needed. What do I even contribute to society? The meaning of life, as I understood, was always to make the most of the life you're given, but am I doing that? What am I currently doing? I'm renting a three-bedroom house that I can't afford because I have a dog that I love and renting is so shit that I can't afford to go anywhere else and there's nowhere else I can go because I need to drive and I can't drive because I failed and the test times are so far in the future and it's all fucked.

I feel trapped more than ever. I feel completely hopelessly trapped. I don't know what to do and there's only so much I can take on before it all just spirals and breaks.

I have no one to talk to. I have no one to listen to. I can't go to therapy because it costs money. I don't have money because I have a house to pay for. I can't move house because I need to have savings to move house which I can't do because I have a house to pay for. I don't know what to do and I fear that the only thing that's keeping me around is the fear of the pain and I know it only be for a few minutes. That's a few minutes of panic or a fear of probably regret. I'm terrified of regretting the decision when it comes to doing it. I'm terrified of spending in the last moments of my life regretting the action I've made and maybe that does mean I'm not suicidal. Maybe that does mean that I don't want to end things, but how could we possibly know because everyone who was ever successfully done so cannot tell you if they felt regret in that moment.

But no one cares about me. No one checks up on me. No one gives a shit that I'm even leaving this message right now other than my dog and he's honestly probably the only thing keeping me going right now of which I will now only get to see half of because Dan has a place to live that allows dogs and we're talking about the situation being that Max spends a week at mine and a week at his, which means there is 6 months of the year where I'm going to be truly alone with my thoughts and my feelings and without the burden of the concept that, should I end things, until I'm found Max will be alone with my body.

Life's too hard. It's too unfair. I don't deserve the things that I want. I don't deserve the sympathy from my family and my friends because I'm a bad person. If I had never existed, I would never have been around to hurt the people that I've hurt to become the burden that I feel that I am, it's selfish of me to expect people to care about my well-being. I have never done anything to contribute to society. I've never done anything that warrants admiration care.

My familie tell me they care but they never visit me. They never call me. They never messaged me. So do they even truly care about me? Who knows. Probably not.

Maybe I'll send it to Jack, but then I will feel an insane amount of guilt for having him worry. He's going through his own shit right now and I don't feel like it's fair for me to burden him with my feelings and my need to do better or my need to have someone to help me. I feel like I'm waffling but at the same time I feel like I'm saying everything I ever needed to say for the longest time.