[RO] [HR] Humming a Tune

Her tune graces my soul once more. I could listen to her symphony for eternity. The harmony of her hums are graceful. Her composition of the finest sounds is a privilege I often forget to appreciate. A talented composer that chose to share her pieces with me. On a soothing snowy evening as such, I am gifted by God the chance to hold a songbird that entranced my ears. I will never let go.

“You look quite divine tonight, my darling,” I whisper into her ears. She grins and lays her cheek against mine. My heart begins to slow, relaxed in her presence. I could stay here forever on this sofa, holding the light of my life. She has said little tonight, but from her glow to her scent, I am in paradise. She whispers back, “I love you so, and I regret every moment I am not with you. I promise I will spend every day making it right, my love.” My smile deepens with love. I truly am blessed. To live such an adoring life. For every instant I suffered, hidden in my hole, she would come around the corner to embrace me. I’ve yet to care for the life I had before her. Of desperation, procrastination, and haste. To fear judgement of my reputation, my career, my ‘shining’ accomplishments. All my friends and family had held contempt for my being. I could see it in their eyes. Never a word spoken but always presented. No such man holds a flat scowl towards someone they respect.

I could never accuse them of such, they tell lies of care and love for me. Always withholding their selfish thoughts. Children of God born of one emotion. An open mind would sense I am living in the wind. Simply enjoying the delights that surround us. It’s natural to envy those that live life as a fairytale. Never my beloved darling. Not a flash of envy, pride, or disillusion with me. Always that same beautiful grin, withholding her love behind it. I had dreamt of finding such love since I could walk. Never an astronaut, a doctor, or a lawyer. Just a dumb fool enamoured with his turtle dove. When my superiors removed me, I felt lost once more. My roommate worried whether I could pay rent, or with my father questioning my drive. In angst and desperation, she came around anew. I understood she would be busy, filled with duties that I fear to question. With a drop of a hat, she would hold me in her warmth. 

“You will find another home soon, my love. You are protected in my embrace.” My heart slows further more. My lungs fill slowly with the air I share with her. I cuddle her tightly, despite my numb limbs. “You are everything I had begged from God. A post I can lean on when I am troubled, a tree I can sleep peacefully under.” I softly spoke. She leans in to kiss my blue lips. The warmth of our lips sharing brings my body the peace it needs. The space it needs to breathe and bleed so comfortably. She leans back and stares with her eyes, one resembling the smooth seas nearby, and the other of warm coffee. Her soul glimmers in front of me, calming my spirits once more. I go to touch her cheek, lay my fingers upon her cheekbone. The heat of her visage embraces my cold, freezing fingers. I can not feel any more than a cold winter’s night, yet her cozy figure contradicts that. “I love you so, and I promise I will make it right, my love.” I blink and my eyes fail to adjust. 

My bed now warm of love and satisfaction, I gaze at the spirited soul resting beside me. A thick comforter, a warm scent, and a soft tune whistling on my record player. A sight to behold, my heart grows tight. I must be feeling ecstatic love and joy for it to overwhelm my chest as such. Despite the pain, I move closer to my darling. The movement required to scale a few inches across this mattress is near to climbing mount everest. Yet once I found the strength to lay my arms around her and hold her tight, I felt right once more. The pain lingered yet I cared no longer. I know she heard me. Felt me staging music murder to be where I am. She grabs my limbs and wraps them further around her. “You must hold me tighter than that, show me you care, my love.” I wanted to respond, but I couldn't. My arms are frail, with little room to give. My tongue now numb, can’t expel the poetry I desire. She giggles and faces me. 

“I know, my love, I can hear you. We’re alone at the edge of a universe, humming a tune.” Her grin burns deeply into my heart and brings temporary remedy to what was the equivalent of an elephant sitting on my chest. I love you my darling, in our garden of imagination, we frolic, we gaze, and we slept. Through every hardship, judgement, and anguish we endured, we will always have one another. She smiles wider than before, more than I had ever seen. “Your success and failures may have been yours but mine to burden. You are mine here, in the next universe, as well as the next life. We are never meant to part.” I love you so much. I can’t spit these words out, the sounds of gurgles and chokes resemble my tune. Her smile grows evermore. She is aware of my adoration. 

I can no longer move. I can’t feel the warmth of the room nor revolt against these limitations. I am akin to a statue. She moves me, lays me on my back, facing the ceiling. She places a soft kiss on my left cheek, yet I cry for I can not feel its warmth. My darling gazes at me, “It’s now and never, here, a reverie endeavor.” She points to the ceiling, it peels away to show the beautiful night sky. Despite what would have been several floors above my room is now the aurora borealis. An ecstatic display of colors, shining across my gaze, from green, purple, as well as hints of red, I am witnessing heaven. Her mismatched eyes of the sea and chocolate gaze upon me. In euphoric scenes such as this, I am inclined to take my naloxone, such beauty can be deadly. She holds the bottle of security and lightly tosses it across the room.

“Believe me, my love. The stars were made for falling, like melting obelisks, as tall as another realm.” The last sensation I have within my grasp is now amiss. I can no longer breathe. The necessity of inhale to exhale is gone and I feel quite peaceful. She holds me tightly, her left arm across my chest, and she whispers, “So long, so far, until it’s time.” 

My vision begins to falter, I can no longer see before me. It flashes of several colors including those I had never witnessed. No longer am I restricted with limbs, floating through this epileptic void. I had never felt so free, soaring like a bird through this unrestricted space. The colors flash around me, resembling my emotions across. Forming different shapes, hearts for her, or narrow triangles that I can barely glide through, as well as drooping curves I can grind across. Within a blink, I am back in my room. No night sky, no music, no sign of her.  I try to move, smell, even breathe. No response. It’s jarring, to feel no signs of effort across my figure. I want to scream, I want to run, cry, do whatever that makes me feel better. In times like this, she would hold me still. What a lovely idea. What a beautiful thought. I thought to myself in prayer, “My darling please, I believe you, help me in my time of need.”

In doing so, I steadily rose.

Though the feeling of movement pleases me, I notice I am rising out of my frame. I may have awoken from my paralysis, however I am left separate. I stand up right next to my bed, and witness the naloxone on the ground. I saw a discolored hand that had tried to claw for it. My gaze follows the paper skin and blisters up the limb, and stare at what once was. The face discolored as well, with blue lips, clammy skin, and pinpoint pupils. A bloated mass with stiff muscles and fluids across the bed. Overgrown nails and peeling on the face. Dark liquid pouring out the nose and mouth, I can’t imagine the scent. A familiar landscape that I get to witness without a mirror. I want to feel fear, to feel anxiety, and even shock at what lies before me. Yet I feel peaceful. I walk around the room, completely lightweight, it is quite sensational. I attempt to see my form in the mirror yet there is little to be had. I feel strong, quick, healthy, yet there is no visual to accompany that. 

I go to grab the knob of my bedroom door, but to no avail. I can not see my hand desperately attempt to grab it, yet I can feel the sensation of such. Such a curious feeling, I decided to try walking through the door itself. It’s out of the ordinary to see oneself in an outside perspective, it’s another to waltz through objects seamlessly. 

My apartment is quite empty. Scatters of trash and leftover food I had forgotten to put away. Roaches crawl across, flies hover what’s left, and a mountain of dishes. I see little signs of activity across my humble abode. I have little recollection of the previous night, and I would assume she would’ve tidied up the house before leaving. I am all alone here. In what should be my place of safety and security, I am starting to feel panicked. I am alone. No one is here. I can’t be in solitude. It’s puzzling that she left me here. My roommate is nowhere to be found, and the one being in all of the universe, that I adore, is missing. Everytime I needed to see her, she appeared. 

“Darling! I have arisen! Come see me, my heart!” No one came. I dashed around lightly across the apartment. Every room, nook and cranny, yet her caramel mane and mismatched gaze can not be found. Within this decade, I found peace and comfort in every terrible event that I came across. Through her, and her alone. When my mother had passed, when my dog had ran, or when my friends had left, she was there. Standing by around every corner ready to embrace me. I love this woman. I love her so much. She couldn’t have abandoned me, she always says goodbye. Come home, my love, please. “Oh my darling please! I can not live without you! I beg you to be by my side!”

I can not count the time that went by. I had laid here on my sofa for what feels like eons now. I have cried for eternity, tears that could drown the thirsty, sorrow that could dampen the optimists, yet nothing has changed. Countless people have come and gone through my nest, different ages and different strokes. The sofa changed a thousand times but always in the same spot. I have yet to discover why I can not leave my apartment. The door is physical against me, yet I can walk through the inner walls of the apartment. If this wretched prison had released me, I would run thousands of miles across this realm to find her again. I couldn’t say what I would do. Whether I would hug her tightly or scream in frustration like a child. Her beautiful smile shines through my mind. I would give anything to see it again.

I begin to hum softly to the same tune she had sung a thousand times before. The only tune that has kept me sane all this time.

A siren sounds like the goddess

Who promises endless apologies of paradise

And only she can make it right

So things are different tonight.