Failing out of PhD program

Hi all dads here…I’ve been lurking on this subreddit for a bit and people have seemed so kind and supportive, so I just wanted to try sharing my own struggle.

I was admitted to a PhD program a few years ago but I don’t think I’ll be able to finish. I’ve been dealing with chronic physical and mental health issues (the most difficult of which has been panic attacks) which has made it very difficult to get things done each day. I’ve worked really hard to get help - medication, therapy, specialists - and it’s been helping a bit but not fast enough for my department. I’ve explained to both the department and my advisor about my health struggles but they didn’t seem particularly sympathetic or flexible.

Consequently, I’ve delayed milestones and the program has let me know my progress is not satisfactory and that they’d be unable to provide me funding past this year as a result. This triggered a major depression spiral for me because now I have to plan for industry and leave academia by the end of the year. I’m on antidepressants and it’s been helping a little to reach a state of normalcy. I feel like I’m trying my best and fighting so hard but it’s not enough for others.

I know I should be kind to myself because I’m trying my best and that’s all we can really do right? 🥲 But I can’t help but feel like not good enough….for my program….for my own dad…for myself.

Anyway, I’m reaching out here because my own dad is emotionally unavailable and doesn’t understand or care about my health struggles or well being, only my accomplishments. He thinks people with mental health struggles are just weak or lazy. Told me he dealt with problems worse than mine - way to minimize and trivialize how I’m feeling. I’m usually low contact but right now I don’t need to be put down even more when I’m already at a low point in my life, so I stopped communicating with him.

I’m sorry I’m not (and never will be) good enough for you, Dad. And that I had to stop talking to you for my own peace of mind. I wish you would just see and appreciate me for who I am, my struggles…fears….hopes…things that I enjoy, etc. Because I’m so much more than just my professional accomplishments (or failures), and I wish you could see that 🥲

Thank you all for listening and supporting.