i'm just... tired.

tw: death, suicidal ideation.

i just need to vent in a place where people might understand, i guess.

i was doing really well. despite being broken up with by the person who i thought was my person (because of my mental health, at the heart of it), i was doing really well. therapy was helping, i was working through the issues that caused the break up. i moved back in with my parents (which, at 32, sucks), but it was okay because i was close to my best friend again. i was motivated, i was creative, i was ambitious. i even found a job i love.

i stopped taking my meds (classic move). i was struggling to remember to take them anyway (undiagnosed adhd has been... difficult, at best), and i figured it's probably better to not take them sporadically. i had a doctor's appointment to address this, but i had to reschedule because of work so... who knows when that'll happen. but anyway. i was fine off my meds. not manic. not depressed. doing really well.

i think the trigger for this depressive episode was my grandfather passing a few weeks back. we were close. he meant a lot to me. i always thought he'd be at my wedding, whenever that happened. then, on top of that, it turns out the guy i had been seeing was kind of a pos, so that's also over - and i had really liked him.

now i'm just... i don't know. i'm sad. i'm tired. the thoughts are... not great. i can't enjoy any of my hobbies (art, music, writing, video games). it just feels like... what's the point? i'm fighting to keep myself alive, but i just don't feel the joy in living. i don't want to feel this way anymore, and i don't know what to do other than suffer through it until i can finally get my doctor's appointment. but i don't know if that will even change anything. it's such a fight to get anything changed or diagnosed, i... don't have much faith.

i don't have anyone other than my therapist i can really express this to (i don't want them to worry about me any more than they already do), and my appointment with her isn't until the end of the month so... yeah.

thanks for reading, if you did, and thanks to this community for existing for giving me a space where i can get this out of my system.