I was disgusting as a kid and I don’t know how to move forward properly

I (almost 17f) was exposed to porn extremely young and at 11-13 I was horrifically hypersexual and porn addicted. I flaunted the fact in online group chats and always made extremely sexual jokes yet Irl I acted extremely prudish and hated sex jokes because it came from exclusively guys. Our house is small and I didn’t have my own room so privacy was most of the time impossible and it led me to really inappropriate and gross behavior done in my parents’ bedroom because it was the only place that would be private and I spent all my free time there. I didn’t realize what I was doing was wrong but at the same time I knew of similar things that were very wrong and even other bad things that are tamer so I don’t know how I never realized. I think I did question myself a few times but I don’t know how it wasn’t enough for guilt to rise. I just got another memory of doing something disgusting on my parents’ bed and not getting to clean it up because I was told to go to sleep. My parents’ room was practically my living room so maybe I just felt like it was my place but holy fucking shit how did I not think of the fact that it’s their bed and they sleep on it every night?

I also discovered and consumed extremely taboo drawn fetishes and would often have intrusive thoughts. I was always unsure if it was okay because I kept seeing mixed opinions, the ytbers I watched said it was okay while my friends thought people who consumed stuff like that should off themselves. I was feathers away from attempting suicide or seeking and giving myself to creeps at 14 when I remembered what I had indulged in. The fear I felt was genuinely scarring and I was convinced it was the end of my life. And when I was doing those things the entire time I acted good in my online friend group and would condemn people for doing even tamer things. My only way of coping with the past was by denial and when I stopped it felt like I was dying.

Ever since then (3 years) I’ve been going through phases of feeling like everything is okay and feeling as if my life is ending. I recently got into another month long spiral of constantly overanalyzing vague memories of what taboo content I had consumed making sure nothing I saw was real for whole days, doing absolutely nothing else and had to go home early from school once because it was so fucking bad. I can’t say if it’s for real OCD but I relate a lot to stories of it and OCD advice helped me immensely.

Right now I’m feeling okay, my mental state might even be good, but I feel uneasy because of that, I don’t know if I deserve it. I have a good relationship with my parents, I love them very much. Seeing my mom is always 50% of the reason why I choose not to rot in bed. I still think deeply about whether I’m forgivable or not, sometimes not out of emotion but objectively. I’m not sure how much genuine shame and disgust I feel after 2-3 years of cycles of ruminating and I have fears that I’ve become desensitized to the possibility of being a horrible and unforgivable person. I know I was a child and it’s what unfortunately happens when you’re exposed to stuff like that too young but is that even good enough? I’ve been thinking of getting a therapist for a while but I don’t know how and am afraid because I don’t know how often they hear cases like mine, I’m scared they’ll see me as filthy.