Why am I even trying

Why am I even trying it's not worth it anymore I've been through way to fucking much for a 17 year old and the person who made it all tollerable probably just fucking hates me. She helped me get through too much she helped me through when I realized I was being groomed she's taken me out of my shitty town and shown me places in my state I would've never seen in my life she makes me want to live like there is something that I have to look forward to but I don't even know of she feels the same anymore if I really needed to I have tons of random meds in my room so I could just die but I don't want to I want her she makes me feel like I deserve to live and I am worthy of love