Self sabotaged and ruined my life

So basically I spiraled and unleashed the worst version of myself. I feel the fire in my stomach as I continue to be impulsive. I ended my only friendship harshly and out of nowhere. I started basically harassing the boyfriend who ghosted after six months last year via text, resulting in a pity reply hoping I seek help and find my way out of this. I have a hearing to see if I’m getting kicked out of college on Tuesday, which is everything I’ve worked for. My mom is worried about me and is trying to help but all I want to do is hurt myself. I hate myself to a point where it’s crippling and unbearable. I don’t want to find a way out of this because I’ve already done too much damage that I can never make peace with. I used to get this bad years ago, but now I’m 29 and I am horrified that it isn’t a thing of the past. I am in treatment constantly, seeing a therapist and on medication. But it’s not enough. I was doing good good until I got ghosted last year. It’s been a year since and I just couldn’t find a way to move forward. I lost all hope in people and I don’t trust anyone. I initially was mature and moved forward with self respect and grace, but I just couldn’t get over it. It’s just as painful and now I’ve idealized this person who was awful to me, simply because he rejected and abandoned me. I’m selfish to even be writing this because I know someone’s gonna think I’m ridiculous for having these as ‘problems’ right now.