I cant recall a single year of happiness

My entire life has been consumed by this evil of pornography and addiciton. Wasting thousands of hours, wasting thousands of dollars. Im close to the end, if i cant beat this, nothing else in my life will go well. Im slowly dying, jerking off 5,6,7,8,9,10 times a day, all for what? Just to numb the pain. A constant cycle of addiction, stay clean, relapse, stay clean, relapse. A vicious cycle of misery, not a single year of joy. Just constant failure. Lord help me.